My cough is back again. Very tragic. I can only pray to my Buddha for strength, energy and health in this very difficult period of my life.

I had a lovely Korean meal with a group of teachers-friends this afternoon, and was having spasms of emotions. It must be the medicine from my cough again. One minute I was dancing to K-Pop songs while eating. Another moment I was still suffering from the after-pains of sitting in a non-BMW car (I have motion sickness only in cars). The next second - I feel happy, but my eyes wanted to cry.

For me, ever since age 35/6 - ish, I wanted nothing, except for good health. No more crazy hustling and bustling like in my 20s. I used to love money so much, I needed so many people to wake me up. I was a crazy workaholic and I deeply regret being so. My health deteriorated so much, both mentally and physically. I also performed acts that completely does not define me. This year, I want to be kind and forgive myself.

No more ridiculous shame. "So be it" are my favourite three words for the second half of 2026. I feel like - I only wish for perhaps, 30% more of my current income (?) Any further amount shall be detrimental to my physical health. I cannot hold it anymore.

Tonight, I really miss my friends. And, my grandmother from Shenzhen. Of course, I miss the latter more. In fact, I miss my grandmother so much that I cry every single time I think of her. I can be shaking my ass one second ago, but when my grandmother (suffering from cancer) flashes through my mind, tears flow down my pretty big eyes, just like that.

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As I was getting ready to end this blog post - a thought pops up! I had this exact same thought when I was on my way home just tonight! As a woman, I really believe, my top priority in life, is to be happy. Obviously, I wish to be pretty, rich, skinny, popular, successful, well-educated, marry a rich & loving husband, have kids and pets etc... But honestly, I never cared or loved any Man in my life. I also do not wish to hone my next generation. I may identify, shamelessly or not, as The Prettiest Piano Teacher, but truthfully - I just want to be happy.

Oh well, at least, happy while blogging, and happy with my pet cat. I don't just see him as a pet la, he is my friend, my buddy, my... first male I think I ever loved. Just, in a pet form.

What a traumatizing day I just experienced from the middle of last week to today. I finally understood what truly happened to me. Covid seriously affected me, both professionally and personally, so much, that my brain completely skipped over 6 years of memories and experiences.

Therefore, tonight, sitting with my pet cat in my room. I truly cannot remember much of 2019 till 2024. It felt like I was still happily taking my last tour in SEA, before 6 years of absolutely blank memory, and then I immediately turned 34/5/6 - ish!

The latter part of my 20s was completely forgotten. I swear to you. Completely. Forgotten. I can literally just become so mad at say, Person A, and I would want to take legal actions against that particular incident or person, simply because - I've forgotten everything that happened with that Person. Encounter-wise, I mean.

I do remember my early 20s very well. The biggest difference lies not only in my character, but in my looks. I modelled for 3 different eyebrow tattoo artists. Each gifted me with a different set of brows. The first, was a lady from Vietnam. Extremely traditional, calculated the exact measurement for the length in between my brows, even attempted to include feng shui for me. I thought I loved her work, but my taste has changed.

The 2nd lady was also from Vietnam, till today, I still model for her. She truly mastered mandarin, survived in Singapore, and always, so happily chatty with me. I love that about her.

The final lady understood my greediness for fuller brows, which translate to my desire for a fuller and richer life. Hopefully richer, as in monetary, but not simply monetary. Instead of brow strokes tattoo, she did the entire dot-dot-dot technique & surprisingly, her style is my favourite now!

I wish I can remember something from 6 years of Covid. All I remember is losing out in certain aspect of my professional life, but I gained so much in my private personal life! Tonight, I feel very .... lost (?) but also really found. I think.... I want to cry, but also at the same time, I am excited. But I don't know what I am excited for?

Maybe, just maybe. I wish, I can learn to relax the space in between my brows. 

Remembering myself..

Before my whole perspective on life shifts further and further away from my usual cleanliness, let me just remember myself tonight.

I know who I am. I'm a nice girl. A pretty girl. A clean girl.

I'm born in China, I own Chinese values like no other.

Usually, I am polite. So polite - to the point of being politically polite.

Yet, I am an extrovert, no one can be more E than me. Unless, well, Americans.

I'm on the right-most side of E, as in, I do not think before I talk, I just blabber. Yet, everything I do, is always with Buddha's protection, because I've always been a Buddhist. Not Christian, not Tao-ism, just your Buddhist girl.

Time and Life definitely got into me. Growing up, growing older, or rather, ageing, took away many layers of my lovely and happy self. Tonight, when I sit in my feelings, I feel... like I want to remember myself, as myself.

I'm not a Company - I don't play dirty. I'm not a parent - I don't need to parent anyone. I'm also not a Man - I don't feel the need to do big things, or earn sooooo much, or even save the world. I'm not an only child - I know how to share and spilt. I'm not an orphan! - both my parents are still alive, and very much, kicking everything their legs can reach. I'm not ang mo - I didn't spend years studying in US or UK.

I'm just...myself.

My zodiacs are Capricon & Horse. Feel how steady I am, know how far I can survive/sustain myself, and always know.... my power is in my stamina.

That being said, I think Covid took half my stamina away.

Real dirty

Ever since I turned 30 many moons ago, life gets serious. When I officially pass 35, oh my god life becomes serious, heavy and it feels as if my heart gets emptied out, every single day.

It is a bizarre, interesting and very weird feeling. Time seems to fly by, as if everyday is a rush. It feels like - once I open my eyes, it is time to close my eyes again. Some days, I even forget what I did in the afternoon, because... is there even an afternoon? How can my day feel like morning, zip zip zip, then bed time?

In short, life gets dirty. Extremely dirty. Both in the professional (especially!) & my personal world. OMG I do not remember a day in my life where I feel only happiness. It is always mixed feelings. And sometimes, my feelings feel so mixed that I wonder whether I am some blended fruit juice. Really FML.

This dirtiness that I am blogging about is a very unique kind of dirtiness. Of course we all have participated in politics, well, everywhere. With our neighbors, with our childhood friends (questionable term in the modern age), with our family, and with our colleagues. But politics after 35 hits different like a huge slap on my ass. I now chit-chat with dirtiness in mind. I no longer carry an innocent conversation because my body has built-in politics the minute I turn 35.

Really amazed at what my mind and body can do for me. Honestly, I feel proud of my abilities.

So many times I've touched the dirty floor with my bare hands, because, seriously, how dirty can the floor be? 

I now identify as Singapore's prettiest piano teacher, politically. HAHAHAA, just realised that I am a HUGE JOKER.

Well well well, till next time. Who knows, too many dirty things happening around me. May I come back to this blog for comfort soon....very soon. Really missing...my friends. BUT, I don't know who they are. Life is turning...sad for me. However, I am not only, not crying. I. am. enjoying. my. life! Who the hell am I.

A very sick week..

Last Thursday till the weekend was the most terrible time for me in 2026. Never have I thought that a silly cough can kill me. Apparently, it can - according to my China boss, because lungs are vital for all of us.

Well, it started with a cough, then migrated to the flu (not Covid, not Influenza), then back to the cough. Two family clinics, two 24/7 clinics and another visit to the same family clinic concluded that I was coughing due to an allergy. After swallowing so many antibiotics and cough syrup/pills, the last doctor concluded that I was coughing as I was having so much mucus buildup at my nose area, it overflowed to my throat! A simple nose spray and some allergic pills solved the problem!

That being said, I am still coughing, but not so serious anymore. However, any vigorous moves seems to trigger my cough and it looks like I can't be doing any strenuous exercises for the time being.

Funny enough, the 24/7 doctor, so handsome, definitely my type of guy, just couldn't diagnose my exact reason for coughing. I took so many antibiotics and cough pills that I spend two whole days, completely knocked out. Still missing that doctor though, I have not met anyone SO MY TYPE. FML I suspect he is gay.

Life is so funny, when I was all zoned out - I had the biggest self-reflection of my life. All these medicine perform miraculous changes to my brain! Everything! From deciding to quit my job, to migrating back to China, to migrating back to China again for my retirement... everything! Tears flowed down my cheeks unexpectedly for five minutes, and then the next five minutes, I would be laughing at some social media memes. Oh dear, the power of medicine!

These few weeks were really fulfilling for me because I discovered - once again - apologies for the lack of humility - more interesting facts about myself.

If there is a need to apologise, I sincerely wish to say sorry for being so full of myself that I set up this Blog just for myself to vent, publicly. I am just my extrovert self in this Blog. I don't know why, I just am.

Call me cheap - but I am cheap. I am all for cheap thrills in life. If an event has any freebies, even if I need to travel to the West (I live in North-East), I will be there. Everytime I see my student wear a nice shirt, my first comment shall be, "If ever you don't want this shirt, give me can?"

One female student of mine really gave me two of her shirts. HAHAHAHAHAAAA.  I wore it so often that the pink has faded to tie-dye white now.

Another motivational factor for myself, is simply-put, anger.

Nothing motivates me more than cheap thrills and the power of anger. I spent almost 10 years of my life in Moderate Depression (self-diagnosed). Side note though, darlings if you ever just feel like crying all the time, know that depression can truly only be healed via time. And the period is at least 10 stupid years of your life. Just gone, just spent in depression. So my dear hot people, don't get depressed. Get anything! Get vapes, get drugs, get divorced, get laid, but don't. get. depressed.

What was I saying ah? HAHAHAHAHAA oh, also I suspect I am already have dementia HAAHAHAHAHAAA jokes aside, real story. REAL. I was talking about anger, then suddenly I talk about depression, HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA I am a jokerrrr

A VERY SILLY REASON TO BE HAPPY TONIGHT

Life is kinda funny to me. A few posts prior to this ridiculous post, I was channeling hatred for my own Condo - a very silly problem - but it is not silly to me. And then, today I was just smiling like an idiot on my way from my block to the gym.

I think my Condo cured my autism & anxiety HAHAHAHAHAAA..

Condo is such an interesting concept, only in Singapore, isn't it? It is just like HDB (with even lower ceiling WHY developers WHY), but with some shared facilities, carpark, and an interesting theme for each condo.

Girls! & guys! I think, I finally know why I like my condo!

The design. I don't really know how to put it into words. But I find every colour, every texture and even the big-picture and aerial view of my condo....NAILED. Apparently my condo has two developers working together to imitate the spanish style. Obviously I won't even know what the spanish style even mean but hey, it makes me feel...high-class yet relaxed. Every marble and textile feels very harmoniously put together. I really enjoy staring at myself in the lifts' HUGE mirrors HAHAHAHA I check myself out EVERYDAY!!! Ego boost for myself duh, girls have even larger ego actually....

I just feel...the design of my condo makes me...feel nice. But my vocab is so bloody limited that I cannot come out with anymore words HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA but I know what I mean....

I kinda wanna stop blogging here tonight but I am not done yet leh... still got things to say but I just don't know what HAHAHAHAHAAA

P. S. I think I am so happy because my condo LOVES pets. Almost every single unit has an animal (including BIRDS HAHAHAHAHAHHAAA) and we even have a Pets' Zone. Our grasses are getting so ugly because all the animals keep scratching and shitting on it HAHAHAHAHAAA....

Every single walk from my unit to wherever I need to go is ALWAYS filled with at least 3 hi-byes for neighbours AND at least 3 more "HI" to random pets peeing on the grass HAHAHAHAHAAAA that is why I am always smiling like an idiot when walking HAHAHAHAHAHAAA sometimes I even shake ass HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA

Someone asked me where I'm from. I said I'm from China. Actually, I wonder, why didn't I say Singapore, or at least - China & Singapore.

I think, it is because I am actually ashamed of my own country. Then again, suddenly in this sentence, my own country becomes Singapore, instead of China.

I truly think I am an ass. I code switch like some traitor. Whomever called me an ass in my early adult years, I forgot who you are, but you may be right.

HAHAHAHAHAHHAA I blog funnyy...

But, actually, it is not funny at all. Nothing is ever funny and nothing is funny anymore.

I feel like I don't respect myself as a Singaporean, because instead of respect, I actually feel a lot of shame. Not even a little shame. A lot, actually. When I walk along the streets of Singapore, I am constantly trying to fake smile, shake ass, or listen to music, because deep inside, I am not happy.

Either I look down on myself as a Singaporean, or, I look down on Singapore. Either or - both are terrible. I know it. But, I don't want to do anything about it. To put it simply for myself, since this is my blog, I don't want to learn to feel anything new as a Singaporean. And. I don't know why.

But it is weird, I felt something - but I don't know what it is - when I spoke to my MP in Sengkang. I think, I felt...a sense of community? The feeling is definitely NOT FRIENDSHIP. Probably, as I said, community bonding?

With my darling Singaporean friends, I felt friendship, warmth (questionable and debatable but not for today), & a sparkle of...sincerity? Then again, I suspect Singaporeans never understood sincerity. Not that I ever had any sincerity values too...maybe I have... who knows.

My millennial friend introduced a word for my feelings - "suss". He had a Gen Z daughter and anything that felt off, shall be "suss". HAHAHAHAHA.

So, am I a banana? Or am I a plate of ju chong feng? HAHAHAHAHA I REALLY DO BLOG FUNNY KUDOS TO MYSELF I MAKE MYSELF LAUGH....

Till then nanas...

P.S. Very Proud of myself for being to specifically state my feelings at every point in my life, good or bad. DAMN FUCKING PROUD.

A very commercialised me...

Occasionally, I wonder if I got commercialised way too soon. Therefore, am I experiencing the "aftershocks" of self-sabotaged commercialisation right now? Of course, being a "mini" piano prodigy already made me give up many demonic childhood luxuries and entering SMU......hahahaha, it is the epitome of commercialisation, fuck myself!!!

Right now, it is so weird when I look at myself through the lens of.....well, myself - obviously. I am a commercialised woman, ready to give & take on any form of relationship - whether business or casual. And, I guess, I think I am actually an Artist.

I fall in love fast, but I also fall out of love even faster. Again, fml.

Regarding the Artist point, I never realised that I am actually one. I always felt autistic, but still, it is self-diagnosed, and could be self-sabotage. I don't know! I don't have doctors as parents!

I am the biggest floater in the world. I jump from places to places, engaging in various pursuit of my own happiness. My emotional rides - absolutely crazy. But, I know I don't have ADHD. Because, I can stop my brain from thinking. And I absolutely love zoning out. I hate thinking. That is why I cannot do Science, because Science needs so much intense reasoning I would rather drownnnnn.....

Being commercialised is not a bad thing, at least in my opinion - rather early, than late - is my viewpoint on this matter. Of course, I wish I stayed as uncommercialised till as late as possible, but no one can control my encounters.

I think I shall cut this post, and that is all for tonight.

I FEEL SO WEIRD. I THINK IN MANDARIN BUT I VERBALISE/TYPE IN ENGLISH FUCK MY LIFE IS THIS WHAT A TRUE BILINGUALIST REALLY DOESSSSSS

This is a very tiring life that I am living in. There are too many ups & downs. I don't wanna chase anything, I just want peace & quiet! Give me any food fuel - even mantou - and I can survive the day.

Instead, I am made to believe that I will be happy living in the best (?) country in the world, making my day hustling and bustling like an idiot, almost being a people-pleaser to....everyone? Really, do I want to be all that?

As my friends climb higher and higher in their lives, achieving Masters/PHD in more than one discipline, migrating from one top-tier country to the next, and then, I reflect where I am in life. Honestly, do I want to do the endless comparison between myself and my friends? I already migrated from China to Singapore, I . am . overseas . already! Stop . bothering . meeee

I know you may be so clever, so atas, so well-educated. But where I'm from, Guangzhou/Shenzhen/DaPu, I honestly already had everything I ever wanted. I had nature, I had culture (Cantonese/Hakka), I had years of ancient Eastern knowledge. What more do I need?

Recalling my primary school days will always be scary to me - scoring a mere 38 for my first Science test already put me in a disadvantage because apparently everyone says Science is a big thing. Which I agree. Basically, everything is Science... but yawns...

What is with me today? I thought my emotional regulation is going well? Probably too well. Every emotion is triggered, and then it is regulated? Is there anymore steps? Emotional....aggravation?

These few weeks, I stopped thinking so much of myself, my family, my likes/dislikes..basically I stopped thinking of many things I used to find important. Instead, I thought of my friends, and nature. WHAT????!!!! Am I transcending.

I am not done yet from my last post. This blog is never dying - I have many things to spill. This is not near the end. RAWWWHHHH killing you all...

You know the feeling of being irritated when your instructions are not followed? I think this is getting very serious for me, I lowkey suspect I am some dictator's ancestor and I feel...worried? Like why am I so emotional and worked up every time there is a smallll disagreement. I mean, am I not westernised? I have to put down my ego. I kept telling my students to come to class with their emotions emptied every week, and here I am - irritated at them? Such shame for myself...

Mother Nature seems to do the trick for me. Beaches, especially. I hope I get to stay near the beach if I ever move house the third time. Buddha bless me, my second house shift already traumatized me so much. I need another 10 years to overcome my traumas HAHAHAHAHA...nothing beats a little drama HAHAHAHAHHA!!!

If there's something new I discover about myself. I think I finally know how to describe myself using words, instead of just feeling myself. I am fun-loving, emotional but highly regulated, and such a purist. I am everywhere and everything, but mostly I am in search of fun activities. I think I became so emotional in recent years, completely losing my cool and maturity FML I don't know what happened. But regarding regulation, I think I really nailed it. As in - emotional regulation. I know exactly when I go overboard, what to do with different levels of emotions, and when to just let it go. As for my purist-mindset, I guess I am just a China bitch. I am born and made in communism. I cannot tolerate the slight difference in thinking especially when .... HELP ME.

Even when I'm typing this, my com kept switching back to Mandarin automatically HAHAHAHAHA it's really quite funny...

But, it doesn't feel funny. As in, it is funny. But I don't feel funny. I feel...serious actually. I don't know how to say. But I just feel life got so serious....that I lost my drive and motivation to succeed. I think I am disappointed in myself. But I am only disappointed in myself, if I am still the same person 20 years ago. But the context is, I am not!

So, I also don't know la.... let it be la.. I need to pee now.

Transiting into a Condo

Eww there are actually people reading my stupid blog??? Girls, come on, you are the catch!

I moved from a HDB to a Condo two years ago, and I am still in my transitional phrase. Still on a struggle bus every day. Previously, I stayed in two HDBs for various periods of my life. The first was a 3-room flat in Toa Payoh Lor 5. I LOVED my entire Primary School years in that HDB. My neighbors were crazy and I actually had a best friend called Tiffany! Shout out to Tiffany. I guess the strongest memory was on the last day, she hugged me, told me she will miss me, and my autistic China mouth said nothing. F.M.L.

The second HDB was HUGE, in Sengkang, and I stayed in Sengkang ever since. Everything happened in that HDB, the good, the bad, the nasty. All my ridiculous Sec, JC, Uni & working memories were solidified within Sengkang.

My new Condo is still in Sengkang, just a 10-minutes walk away from my old HDB. Something is very off people, very off, living in a Condo. It's like you are not in a Bungalow, and you are also not in a HDB, but you are in a Condo. The vibes are freaky as hell! There is a strong shared community, but the area feels excluded from the real world. What the f??!! I cannot understand it! I'll rather save for something else.

That being said, the ATAS feeling IS REAL. What do you mean I live beside a pool? I use the sauna every day. The lights look like chandelier. The carpark? Somehow it feels like I am coming back to a "old-money home" but this home is not mine, it is my parents'. The entire setting is supposed to be very Spanish-ish, before entering home, there is an entire walkway... I call it the "show-off walk". It makes me feel, like I am questioning myself everyday WHYYYYY

The worst part is, this Condo makes me feel like I am entering a Shopping Mall, but I have no money to shop. That is still ok to me. I don't care too much about shopping nowadays yet I still light up when I buy new clothes. Trust me girl, I am lowball af. Anyway, this Condo gives me so much anxiety especially the GUARDS why are they walking around and why are they ALWAYS APPEARING???!!!! What is happening! Condo residents - why you steal my money and why police say they cannot see the thief from the CCTV???? I swear I became EVEN MORE AUTISTIC in this Condo!!!!

In short, it feels like I went into a VERY WEIRD SHOPPING MALL but instead of shopping, that is where I sleep, shit, bath and interact. I step into the lift, it looks like it should transport me to Chanel, but instead, I am going home. EXTREMELY DISGUSTED.

I wish my parents bought something else.

You know I blog about my feelings, not my life right.

Yo ladies and gentlemen what's up. This week has been okay and I just know I progressed but I don't know what HAHAHAHAHAHA...

My shoulder pain IS BACK for real no joke guys I have been carrying nonsense on my shoulders, I need to let it go. Time to let it all go babies.

Basically, I've been very busy. But tragically, busy. for. nothing. HAHAHAHAHA....

On second thoughts, I high-key suspect the Covid jab - was it the p company again - completely altered my brain cells, gave me moderate autism & fml, did I turn out to have ADHD? Autism, I am sure. ADHD, I don't think I have it, because I can stop my thoughts. I just need a channel...

Teaching seems to really blossom - but only with my regulars FROM CHINA. WHY??? I thought I love my Singaporeans? Apparently.... my China students are my true-blue supporters? Something very nasty happened to me, actually many nasty things happened to me, and my entire perspective shifted. Damn, is it normal to throw everything away and start anew? Like, grief is progress, right?

Back to the point in teaching -> girls I am so excited to teach the new syllabus actually, it is so amazing I LOVE the slow pieces. Absolutely...juicy! In terms of the chords. The arrangement? I find the flow questionable. I prefer more flow. Or maybe it's because I can't flow HAHAHAHAA....

Lastly, I feel that I haven't figured out my love language yet. But it's definitely NOT FOOD. If ever you offered food, or cook for me, I will be like WTF? In fact, my hate-relationship with food is real. I feel like vomiting when I eat...anything! Not at the start though. When I'm 5 minutes into the meal, that's it, I am done. As done as a .. very tragic primary school kid with a very basic appetite. Sighs, I'm not going to waste my money ever on restaurants...except Cantonese food??

Alright, assholes, I'm done. I feel okay. I am okay. See you soon in the most okay environment everrrr

By the way, readers, hope you are ok too!!! Miss ya all to space and back. Wish I'm not the only one thinking the way I do, let's get freaky and sit in your feelings like me~~ ENJOY ASSHOLES

These few weeks have been crazy but I finally managed to perform more self-regulation of my emotions & mental illness on my own. What I really need, is the beach & grass. More of the beach really, or anything, anything with nature, anything more natural for my very uncomfortable self.

Do you sometimes feel that life is a party? I know I am a mf crazy party animal. You just know what you are, isn't it. Even though I am dealing with adult matters now (hopefully - I never know how childish I am until I find out on my own), I always feel that my head is stuck IN MY 20s. If I need to be more specific, I am stuck between ages 27 to 29. I can't pinpoint which year. There is a year, where I am mentally stuck at. RAAAA what is happeningggggg....

GUYS if I have to verbalise something it is THE NEW ABRSM SYLLABUS what is happening there are Afro vibes in it??!!! 2 years ago, the pop and theatre pieces already gave us all a mini scare, but to really advance from Classical & to even mix in...MORE? I still feel that anything on piano should probably stay Baroque, Classical, Romantic, 20th Century, I mean - I CAN ACCEPT POP but the pop must be classical arranged, or rather, re-arranged for piano students AHHHH can someone shake ABRSM awake?

If I may - I started a 2nd Youtube Channel - away from my piano channel, would you kindly support me HERE please?

Something is BOTHERING me...well, many things are bothering me. Either I choose to stick to it, let it go, or trash it out. Different matters require different approaches..... I have this ick I cannot verbalise but I feel it FML what is happening again???!!!

Let's go to the beach HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA

Law

I feel that I completely overshared on my last post regarding my Buddhism ideas. F.M.L. I think Buddha is going to be SOOO angry at me because Buddha HATES oversharing....SHIT. Buddha is probably going to punish me already...

__________

Yesterday was the biggest day of my life. I went to the State Courts at Havelock as the Claimant for a Consultation. I cannot elaborate because I don't want to jinx anything. And Buddha probably also doesn't want me to share anything because Buddhism is EXTREMELY introspective, again FML. Yesterday was the 2nd time I had to put my hands on Singapore's Law, seriously. Growing up in Singapore as the elder child of immigrant China parents, I always have two sides of me - rojak Singaporean & extremely China-ish Chee-na girl. I am not at all ashamed of my China roots because I truly know how BIGGGGGGG China is and no economy can compete with China. This point alone. China. win. liao. The rest of us...feel free to say good night and good bye.

The law thingyyy went ok. It was just a Consultation, there shall be another Hearing but before that, there is apparently a pre-Hearing. The "judge"... well, I don't know if that same "judge" will continue the case, but apparently yes - because she keeps on emphasizing how busy she is going to be...

This law thingyy I'm working on with the Singapore Courts has to do with a major music company in Singapore and its beef with me. I am not letting this go. My anger is my biggest motivator in life. I have never felt more motivated about anything. Not even my FRSM. Not even money. Not even marrying rich.

I feel like I'm all alone to deal with my law case. Thank god my MP gave me an excellent referral. I feel that so far, Singapore truly has an excellent law system. Even though there are SO MANY sub-units here and there and Singapore's efficiency is NOT AS AWESOME as marketed, I can tell that people really want to help, but lack the specific knowledge of the very niche area I need help on.

SIGHS this blog so far also a bit no use already. I CANNOT HEAR my thoughts in solely English. I do a mix....English and Mandarin. Sighs.... I am not feeling anything tonight. Suddenly, I miss my SMU piano friend...she was from a family of lawyers and accountants. I feel like, at this point, she will understand me most...YET I GAVE UP THAT FRIENDSHIP BECAUSE I THOUGHT I WAS BETTER THAN HER FUCK MY EGO!!!!!! Buddha feel free to punish me...

Just a Buddha girl...

One admirable thing I genuinely admire about myself - is truly the level of self-reflection I do, for myself obviously, on a daily basis. My religion has always been Buddhism - and I am a Buddha girl through and through. My Buddhism studies guided me in two manners - 慈悲心 & 智慧. There shall be no English translation even though I am able to translate these two Mandarin characters for you. But I will not. Simply because translation shall result in the loss of the original flavour of those two Mandarin characters.

Anyway - after years of self-reflection. I have decided that my 慈心 will not be applied on humans, not even the elderly, handicapped, or the needy. Because I truly believe in Buddha's fairness in the grand scheme of life. Perhaps you did something destructive in your childhood, thus you would need to pay for it in your adulthood or golden years? HOWEVER, I will always have 慈心 for animals, simply because they are just animals, and I really have love for them. Dear Buddha, if you are reading my blog, hope you can spare some kindness for animals.

The 2nd manner towards the world of Buddhism is via 智慧. I feel that I have, but I also know that I will never achieve it fully. My brain will never reach Masters or Phd that kind of level. I am no Minister level and I don't care. Because that is never my route! But just these three weeks, I feel like I can serve? I also don't know who or what I am destined to serve...maybe serve water?

HAHAHAHAHA wasted I didn't become a comedian HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

The final point that is crucial in my Buddhism journey is the "悲" in 慈悲心. According to Buddha, extreme happiness and the outward kind of excitement is highly discouraged. I completely feel this but I still believe I am secretly an extrovert. Even though I know that my personal battery charges to the brim when I'm alone... I still feel... I just know I am not an introvert. Otherwise why would I find the need to blog my feelings out?

Hang on. I am not explaining Buddhism well to all of you. Not that I am speaking to you though... but... UGRR my explanation sucks!

SHIT AM I SCHIZOPHRENIC? Actually, am I just mentally ill or am I just a sucky bitch. I guess the real question is how come I can feel the Buddhism in me ah? How come ah?

This post is such a me post. I am so glad I know who I am... eh, but I don't want to be a nun hor, I want my hair....

I guess this blog is my safe space now? Everytime I wanna vent, I'm going to end up here?

Today is my mysterious day. I AM OVERSTIMULATED A F and perhaps it is due to two cups of.... I feel ashamed to admit, TEA? fml.

Anyway, ladies & gentlemen another fml - I think I over-estimated my friendships ~ typical characteristic of a China-born autistic female. The amount of times my friends treated me as a business vs the amount of times I was truly .... "feeling the friendship"... ? I AM EMBARRASED AS FUCK. Especially the Singaporeans! I swear they treat everything and everyone like a company or a science question. As of today, I commit to Buddha - absolutely no more jokes on myself. Absolutely! I . will . shut . my . mouth .

Regarding my last post about my mental illness - oh well, to add salt to my already wounded mind - I largely think my overstimulation only occurs on days I take in caffeine. The annoying thing is it takes TWO & A HALF WHOLE DAYS for me to get rid of my overstimulation. I swear my parents didn't send me to any overstimulated Montessori nursery/kindergarten & I never studied overseas. I haven't even been to USA or UK. No reason for my heartburn! Probably just the caffeine.

Just this afternoon I was feeling so angry & revengeful about ... no details here, three matters - I told myself, 10 years. Even if I take 10 years to make the revenge (singlish again lol), it is not too late for me. Anger motivates the shit out of me. I promise myself, the day will come. Obviously I can hopefully forgive, but still... when I am angry, let me shake it to the max. I hardly feel angry anyway. I feel overstimulated. But overstimulation is not anger.

Horse year is already in June - according to Feng Shui, it is the most heated month. Not about Singapore's sun though. It is the fact that June to Sep are the months where the strongest Horses are born. According to chinese beliefs, horses born in those months are very wealthy, successful & will enjoy endless sparks in their lives. Yours truly here is born in December. I have accepted my fate. I am still hibernating. And may never wake up HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Lastly, well - just donated some small amount to my area's MP & my darling animals' associations!!! Wish them all the best. If life is tough, HAHAHAAHA if I can make jokes despite being mentally ill, well I guess... I still believe... life is fun!

I am Mentally Ill. Self-diagnosed though.

Today is such a sad day for me. I feel so defeated. Nothing is going my way. I did a complete meltdown and it's already the 2nd day of my period!

I really think I am mentally ill. I feel that my mental illness - if any - is actually very very very serious. I also sense that my mental illness escalated in recent months. Is there any free or cheap mental health specialist I can see in Singapore? I googled and apparently it shall be a minimum of SG $200/h?! Years ago, a student's parent told me she liked me so much she was willing to offer free therapy sessions for me. Just last year, a parent working in IMH told me she knew I was mentally ill, from the way I whatsapp her. Even looking at my own reflection, I look so..... mentally ill lol. Really fml.

My M always knew I was mentally ill ever since I entered JC. My M's side has a long history of mental illness & one distant relative of mine even entered China's version of IMH. He had to be tied up at all times & my other relatives had to visit him & pay for his...everything.

Last Sunday, I cancelled classes because the meltdown was so serious I even had heartburn. I swear to all Gods, I did my Yoga, my dancing, my piano, my everything - why??

Now I really understand why Kate Spate, Goo Hara, Selena Gomez & so many successful individuals take their own lives because mental illness could really drain you. I wanted to be rich, pretty & healthy all my life. I focused on my physical health & looks so much that.... I didn't know I could fall victim to mental health. And, I didn't know I am already so serious. I don't think I could ever recover. Except. Through. Music. I just know, I already know only Music & Buddha can help me. I Just Know. Maybe blogging too. :)

Yet, I feel calm, hopeful & I am motivated, weirdly? When I have people doubt me, strangely it triggers my motivation! I feel VERY MOTIVATED and I don't know why? I don't know how to say, but I just know how I feel.

Great. Now everyone reading my blog knows of my mental problem. I AM NOT ASHAMED. In fact, I just know I will make it, despite my mental problems. Because, my mental problems will help me through life. Without it, probably I will be....not me.

This blog post took me SOOO long....#imh send help soon..

And it shall be June 2026 in a few hours. Kinda still feeling overstimulated in this modern AI world as usual, but I could really feel my confidence & steadiness flowing into my body. The first few months of every Lunar New Year, especially this Horsie year, feels panicky & way too quick for me. However, I always feel that my emotions begin to settle into myself when June arrives. Maybe it's because I used to have so many friends with birthdays in June? Or maybe as a Buddhist, I can finally collect my thoughts after Vesak Day? HAHAHAHAHAH I AM SO LAME.

Looking forward, I have a longgg way to go. At least 2 cases that may include POLICE & LAW F.M.L. Before Vesak Day, I was major panicking. My stupid Barbie brain may never grasp anything to do with LAW but with the help of some Aunties HAHAHAHAHAHA, I feel.... can la can la.

A few things I just can't let go. I JUST CAN'T. The Buddhism in me needs to be activated. My own angst is killing myself. But life is so weird, I know I can let go. But...I don't know if letting go is the right choice. Sometimes, being a crazy stubborn freak seems okay to me.

GUYS I AM STILL FEELING VERY WEIRD LIVING IN A CONDO! I want my HDB flat back..... On a brighter side, I lowkey suspect Condos have cleaner water, probably because of the weekly wash of swimming pools? My acne slowly cleared & my skin, despite some darkening due to the sun, looks very beautiful. I.think.I.love.condos.

Yesterday, I was just revising my FRSM pieces and OOPS I completely forgot how brilliant I was in my mid-end 20s. I had this fiery technique for my Beethoven piece but I never learnt refinement until...just weeks before my FR exam. I am really glad my M forced me to do FRSM because that is my strongest memory in my life. You can take anything away from me LET ME KEEP MY FUCKING FRSM CERTIFICATE I exchanged my LIFE for that piece of paper. YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT FRSM!!!

Sighs - off to dance to some pop music now....I need all genres of music for myself.

A very overstimulated week...

Life has just been disgusting & sickening... I filed a police report due to Theft of Cash in my own condo & I am lowkey getting ick vibes eww... I swear I am going to stomp into HQ to report my immediate manager this coming week but I am prioritising my facials & massages because I truly want to maintain my beautiful face & body until the day I die.

Nothing much to update - just discovered that I have zero woman hormones in me. Literally, zero. God forbid I don't feel the motherly instinct for kids & I suspect I've never loved kids. Probably I was always an adult trapped in the body of a kid while I was young? Never took a interest in anything childish. Yet, I love to drink, party & have fun!

Politically, I am following Xi JP & Donald Trump's meetup in Beijing! I am the perfect example of a person born in China, raised at home with traditional China values, educated in school with a mix of Asian/British knowledge & partied to all of USA's songs! If I ever get to leave Singapore, I would want to stay in a small town in USA? Don't wanna die though....

I feel like some traitor when I say I kinda like Donald Trump? He has this Big Daddy kind of vibes & I DIED HHAHAHAHAHA shaking with laughter every time T makes a media appearance or speech HAHAHAHAHA he made my day!!

Missing my old-time friends...but no la, not going to catch up liao. Gonna grow up, move on & look forward.