A very commercialised me...

Occasionally, I wonder if I got commercialised way too soon. Therefore, am I experiencing the "aftershocks" of self-sabotaged commercialisation right now? Of course, being a "mini" piano prodigy already made me give up many demonic childhood luxuries and entering SMU......hahahaha, it is the epitome of commercialisation, fuck myself!!!

Right now, it is so weird when I look at myself through the lens of.....well, myself - obviously. I am a commercialised woman, ready to give & take on any form of relationship - whether business or casual. And, I guess, I think I am actually an Artist.

I fall in love fast, but I also fall out of love even faster. Again, fml.

Regarding the Artist point, I never realised that I am actually one. I always felt autistic, but still, it is self-diagnosed, and could be self-sabotage. I don't know! I don't have doctors as parents!

I am the biggest floater in the world. I jump from places to places, engaging in various pursuit of my own happiness. My emotional rides - absolutely crazy. But, I know I don't have ADHD. Because, I can stop my brain from thinking. And I absolutely love zoning out. I hate thinking. That is why I cannot do Science, because Science needs so much intense reasoning I would rather drownnnnn.....

Being commercialised is not a bad thing, at least in my opinion - rather early, than late - is my viewpoint on this matter. Of course, I wish I stayed as uncommercialised till as late as possible, but no one can control my encounters.

I think I shall cut this post, and that is all for tonight.

I FEEL SO WEIRD. I THINK IN MANDARIN BUT I VERBALISE/TYPE IN ENGLISH FUCK MY LIFE IS THIS WHAT A TRUE BILINGUALIST REALLY DOESSSSSS

This is a very tiring life that I am living in. There are too many ups & downs. I don't wanna chase anything, I just want peace & quiet! Give me any food fuel - even mantou - and I can survive the day.

Instead, I am made to believe that I will be happy living in the best (?) country in the world, making my day hustling and bustling like an idiot, almost being a people-pleaser to....everyone? Really, do I want to be all that?

As my friends climb higher and higher in their lives, achieving Masters/PHD in more than one discipline, migrating from one top-tier country to the next, and then, I reflect where I am in life. Honestly, do I want to do the endless comparison between myself and my friends? I already migrated from China to Singapore, I . am . overseas . already! Stop . bothering . meeee

I know you may be so clever, so atas, so well-educated. But where I'm from, Guangzhou/Shenzhen/DaPu, I honestly already had everything I ever wanted. I had nature, I had culture (Cantonese/Hakka), I had years of ancient Eastern knowledge. What more do I need?

Recalling my primary school days will always be scary to me - scoring a mere 38 for my first Science test already put me in a disadvantage because apparently everyone says Science is a big thing. Which I agree. Basically, everything is Science... but yawns...

What is with me today? I thought my emotional regulation is going well? Probably too well. Every emotion is triggered, and then it is regulated? Is there anymore steps? Emotional....aggravation?

These few weeks, I stopped thinking so much of myself, my family, my likes/dislikes..basically I stopped thinking of many things I used to find important. Instead, I thought of my friends, and nature. WHAT????!!!! Am I transcending.

I am not done yet from my last post. This blog is never dying - I have many things to spill. This is not near the end. RAWWWHHHH killing you all...

You know the feeling of being irritated when your instructions are not followed? I think this is getting very serious for me, I lowkey suspect I am some dictator's ancestor and I feel...worried? Like why am I so emotional and worked up every time there is a smallll disagreement. I mean, am I not westernised? I have to put down my ego. I kept telling my students to come to class with their emotions emptied every week, and here I am - irritated at them? Such shame for myself...

Mother Nature seems to do the trick for me. Beaches, especially. I hope I get to stay near the beach if I ever move house the third time. Buddha bless me, my second house shift already traumatized me so much. I need another 10 years to overcome my traumas HAHAHAHAHA...nothing beats a little drama HAHAHAHAHHA!!!

If there's something new I discover about myself. I think I finally know how to describe myself using words, instead of just feeling myself. I am fun-loving, emotional but highly regulated, and such a purist. I am everywhere and everything, but mostly I am in search of fun activities. I think I became so emotional in recent years, completely losing my cool and maturity FML I don't know what happened. But regarding regulation, I think I really nailed it. As in - emotional regulation. I know exactly when I go overboard, what to do with different levels of emotions, and when to just let it go. As for my purist-mindset, I guess I am just a China bitch. I am born and made in communism. I cannot tolerate the slight difference in thinking especially when .... HELP ME.

Even when I'm typing this, my com kept switching back to Mandarin automatically HAHAHAHAHA it's really quite funny...

But, it doesn't feel funny. As in, it is funny. But I don't feel funny. I feel...serious actually. I don't know how to say. But I just feel life got so serious....that I lost my drive and motivation to succeed. I think I am disappointed in myself. But I am only disappointed in myself, if I am still the same person 20 years ago. But the context is, I am not!

So, I also don't know la.... let it be la.. I need to pee now.

Transiting into a Condo

Eww there are actually people reading my stupid blog??? Girls, come on, you are the catch!

I moved from a HDB to a Condo two years ago, and I am still in my transitional phrase. Still on a struggle bus every day. Previously, I stayed in two HDBs for various periods of my life. The first was a 3-room flat in Toa Payoh Lor 5. I LOVED my entire Primary School years in that HDB. My neighbors were crazy and I actually had a best friend called Tiffany! Shout out to Tiffany. I guess the strongest memory was on the last day, she hugged me, told me she will miss me, and my autistic China mouth said nothing. F.M.L.

The second HDB was HUGE, in Sengkang, and I stayed in Sengkang ever since. Everything happened in that HDB, the good, the bad, the nasty. All my ridiculous Sec, JC, Uni & working memories were solidified within Sengkang.

My new Condo is still in Sengkang, just a 10-minutes walk away from my old HDB. Something is very off people, very off, living in a Condo. It's like you are not in a Bungalow, and you are also not in a HDB, but you are in a Condo. The vibes are freaky as hell! There is a strong shared community, but the area feels excluded from the real world. What the f??!! I cannot understand it! I'll rather save for something else.

That being said, the ATAS feeling IS REAL. What do you mean I live beside a pool? I use the sauna every day. The lights look like chandelier. The carpark? Somehow it feels like I am coming back to a "old-money home" but this home is not mine, it is my parents'. The entire setting is supposed to be very Spanish-ish, before entering home, there is an entire walkway... I call it the "show-off walk". It makes me feel, like I am questioning myself everyday WHYYYYY

The worst part is, this Condo makes me feel like I am entering a Shopping Mall, but I have no money to shop. That is still ok to me. I don't care too much about shopping nowadays yet I still light up when I buy new clothes. Trust me girl, I am lowball af. Anyway, this Condo gives me so much anxiety especially the GUARDS why are they walking around and why are they ALWAYS APPEARING???!!!! What is happening! Condo residents - why you steal my money and why police say they cannot see the thief from the CCTV???? I swear I became EVEN MORE AUTISTIC in this Condo!!!!

In short, it feels like I went into a VERY WEIRD SHOPPING MALL but instead of shopping, that is where I sleep, shit, bath and interact. I step into the lift, it looks like it should transport me to Chanel, but instead, I am going home. EXTREMELY DISGUSTED.

I wish my parents bought something else.

You know I blog about my feelings, not my life right.

Yo ladies and gentlemen what's up. This week has been okay and I just know I progressed but I don't know what HAHAHAHAHAHA...

My shoulder pain IS BACK for real no joke guys I have been carrying nonsense on my shoulders, I need to let it go. Time to let it all go babies.

Basically, I've been very busy. But tragically, busy. for. nothing. HAHAHAHAHA....

On second thoughts, I high-key suspect the Covid jab - was it the p company again - completely altered my brain cells, gave me moderate autism & fml, did I turn out to have ADHD? Autism, I am sure. ADHD, I don't think I have it, because I can stop my thoughts. I just need a channel...

Teaching seems to really blossom - but only with my regulars FROM CHINA. WHY??? I thought I love my Singaporeans? Apparently.... my China students are my true-blue supporters? Something very nasty happened to me, actually many nasty things happened to me, and my entire perspective shifted. Damn, is it normal to throw everything away and start anew? Like, grief is progress, right?

Back to the point in teaching -> girls I am so excited to teach the new syllabus actually, it is so amazing I LOVE the slow pieces. Absolutely...juicy! In terms of the chords. The arrangement? I find the flow questionable. I prefer more flow. Or maybe it's because I can't flow HAHAHAHAA....

Lastly, I feel that I haven't figured out my love language yet. But it's definitely NOT FOOD. If ever you offered food, or cook for me, I will be like WTF? In fact, my hate-relationship with food is real. I feel like vomiting when I eat...anything! Not at the start though. When I'm 5 minutes into the meal, that's it, I am done. As done as a .. very tragic primary school kid with a very basic appetite. Sighs, I'm not going to waste my money ever on restaurants...except Cantonese food??

Alright, assholes, I'm done. I feel okay. I am okay. See you soon in the most okay environment everrrr

By the way, readers, hope you are ok too!!! Miss ya all to space and back. Wish I'm not the only one thinking the way I do, let's get freaky and sit in your feelings like me~~ ENJOY ASSHOLES

These few weeks have been crazy but I finally managed to perform more self-regulation of my emotions & mental illness on my own. What I really need, is the beach & grass. More of the beach really, or anything, anything with nature, anything more natural for my very uncomfortable self.

Do you sometimes feel that life is a party? I know I am a mf crazy party animal. You just know what you are, isn't it. Even though I am dealing with adult matters now (hopefully - I never know how childish I am until I find out on my own), I always feel that my head is stuck IN MY 20s. If I need to be more specific, I am stuck between ages 27 to 29. I can't pinpoint which year. There is a year, where I am mentally stuck at. RAAAA what is happeningggggg....

GUYS if I have to verbalise something it is THE NEW ABRSM SYLLABUS what is happening there are Afro vibes in it??!!! 2 years ago, the pop and theatre pieces already gave us all a mini scare, but to really advance from Classical & to even mix in...MORE? I still feel that anything on piano should probably stay Baroque, Classical, Romantic, 20th Century, I mean - I CAN ACCEPT POP but the pop must be classical arranged, or rather, re-arranged for piano students AHHHH can someone shake ABRSM awake?

If I may - I started a 2nd Youtube Channel - away from my piano channel, would you kindly support me HERE please?

Something is BOTHERING me...well, many things are bothering me. Either I choose to stick to it, let it go, or trash it out. Different matters require different approaches..... I have this ick I cannot verbalise but I feel it FML what is happening again???!!!

Let's go to the beach HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA

Law

I feel that I completely overshared on my last post regarding my Buddhism ideas. F.M.L. I think Buddha is going to be SOOO angry at me because Buddha HATES oversharing....SHIT. Buddha is probably going to punish me already...

__________

Yesterday was the biggest day of my life. I went to the State Courts at Havelock as the Claimant for a Consultation. I cannot elaborate because I don't want to jinx anything. And Buddha probably also doesn't want me to share anything because Buddhism is EXTREMELY introspective, again FML. Yesterday was the 2nd time I had to put my hands on Singapore's Law, seriously. Growing up in Singapore as the elder child of immigrant China parents, I always have two sides of me - rojak Singaporean & extremely China-ish Chee-na girl. I am not at all ashamed of my China roots because I truly know how BIGGGGGGG China is and no economy can compete with China. This point alone. China. win. liao. The rest of us...feel free to say good night and good bye.

The law thingyyy went ok. It was just a Consultation, there shall be another Hearing but before that, there is apparently a pre-Hearing. The "judge"... well, I don't know if that same "judge" will continue the case, but apparently yes - because she keeps on emphasizing how busy she is going to be...

This law thingyy I'm working on with the Singapore Courts has to do with a major music company in Singapore and its beef with me. I am not letting this go. My anger is my biggest motivator in life. I have never felt more motivated about anything. Not even my FRSM. Not even money. Not even marrying rich.

I feel like I'm all alone to deal with my law case. Thank god my MP gave me an excellent referral. I feel that so far, Singapore truly has an excellent law system. Even though there are SO MANY sub-units here and there and Singapore's efficiency is NOT AS AWESOME as marketed, I can tell that people really want to help, but lack the specific knowledge of the very niche area I need help on.

SIGHS this blog so far also a bit no use already. I CANNOT HEAR my thoughts in solely English. I do a mix....English and Mandarin. Sighs.... I am not feeling anything tonight. Suddenly, I miss my SMU piano friend...she was from a family of lawyers and accountants. I feel like, at this point, she will understand me most...YET I GAVE UP THAT FRIENDSHIP BECAUSE I THOUGHT I WAS BETTER THAN HER FUCK MY EGO!!!!!! Buddha feel free to punish me...

Just a Buddha girl...

One admirable thing I genuinely admire about myself - is truly the level of self-reflection I do, for myself obviously, on a daily basis. My religion has always been Buddhism - and I am a Buddha girl through and through. My Buddhism studies guided me in two manners - 慈悲心 & 智慧. There shall be no English translation even though I am able to translate these two Mandarin characters for you. But I will not. Simply because translation shall result in the loss of the original flavour of those two Mandarin characters.

Anyway - after years of self-reflection. I have decided that my 慈心 will not be applied on humans, not even the elderly, handicapped, or the needy. Because I truly believe in Buddha's fairness in the grand scheme of life. Perhaps you did something destructive in your childhood, thus you would need to pay for it in your adulthood or golden years? HOWEVER, I will always have 慈心 for animals, simply because they are just animals, and I really have love for them. Dear Buddha, if you are reading my blog, hope you can spare some kindness for animals.

The 2nd manner towards the world of Buddhism is via 智慧. I feel that I have, but I also know that I will never achieve it fully. My brain will never reach Masters or Phd that kind of level. I am no Minister level and I don't care. Because that is never my route! But just these three weeks, I feel like I can serve? I also don't know who or what I am destined to serve...maybe serve water?

HAHAHAHAHA wasted I didn't become a comedian HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

The final point that is crucial in my Buddhism journey is the "悲" in 慈悲心. According to Buddha, extreme happiness and the outward kind of excitement is highly discouraged. I completely feel this but I still believe I am secretly an extrovert. Even though I know that my personal battery charges to the brim when I'm alone... I still feel... I just know I am not an introvert. Otherwise why would I find the need to blog my feelings out?

Hang on. I am not explaining Buddhism well to all of you. Not that I am speaking to you though... but... UGRR my explanation sucks!

SHIT AM I SCHIZOPHRENIC? Actually, am I just mentally ill or am I just a sucky bitch. I guess the real question is how come I can feel the Buddhism in me ah? How come ah?

This post is such a me post. I am so glad I know who I am... eh, but I don't want to be a nun hor, I want my hair....

I guess this blog is my safe space now? Everytime I wanna vent, I'm going to end up here?

Today is my mysterious day. I AM OVERSTIMULATED A F and perhaps it is due to two cups of.... I feel ashamed to admit, TEA? fml.

Anyway, ladies & gentlemen another fml - I think I over-estimated my friendships ~ typical characteristic of a China-born autistic female. The amount of times my friends treated me as a business vs the amount of times I was truly .... "feeling the friendship"... ? I AM EMBARRASED AS FUCK. Especially the Singaporeans! I swear they treat everything and everyone like a company or a science question. As of today, I commit to Buddha - absolutely no more jokes on myself. Absolutely! I . will . shut . my . mouth .

Regarding my last post about my mental illness - oh well, to add salt to my already wounded mind - I largely think my overstimulation only occurs on days I take in caffeine. The annoying thing is it takes TWO & A HALF WHOLE DAYS for me to get rid of my overstimulation. I swear my parents didn't send me to any overstimulated Montessori nursery/kindergarten & I never studied overseas. I haven't even been to USA or UK. No reason for my heartburn! Probably just the caffeine.

Just this afternoon I was feeling so angry & revengeful about ... no details here, three matters - I told myself, 10 years. Even if I take 10 years to make the revenge (singlish again lol), it is not too late for me. Anger motivates the shit out of me. I promise myself, the day will come. Obviously I can hopefully forgive, but still... when I am angry, let me shake it to the max. I hardly feel angry anyway. I feel overstimulated. But overstimulation is not anger.

Horse year is already in June - according to Feng Shui, it is the most heated month. Not about Singapore's sun though. It is the fact that June to Sep are the months where the strongest Horses are born. According to chinese beliefs, horses born in those months are very wealthy, successful & will enjoy endless sparks in their lives. Yours truly here is born in December. I have accepted my fate. I am still hibernating. And may never wake up HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Lastly, well - just donated some small amount to my area's MP & my darling animals' associations!!! Wish them all the best. If life is tough, HAHAHAAHA if I can make jokes despite being mentally ill, well I guess... I still believe... life is fun!

I am Mentally Ill. Self-diagnosed though.

Today is such a sad day for me. I feel so defeated. Nothing is going my way. I did a complete meltdown and it's already the 2nd day of my period!

I really think I am mentally ill. I feel that my mental illness - if any - is actually very very very serious. I also sense that my mental illness escalated in recent months. Is there any free or cheap mental health specialist I can see in Singapore? I googled and apparently it shall be a minimum of SG $200/h?! Years ago, a student's parent told me she liked me so much she was willing to offer free therapy sessions for me. Just last year, a parent working in IMH told me she knew I was mentally ill, from the way I whatsapp her. Even looking at my own reflection, I look so..... mentally ill lol. Really fml.

My M always knew I was mentally ill ever since I entered JC. My M's side has a long history of mental illness & one distant relative of mine even entered China's version of IMH. He had to be tied up at all times & my other relatives had to visit him & pay for his...everything.

Last Sunday, I cancelled classes because the meltdown was so serious I even had heartburn. I swear to all Gods, I did my Yoga, my dancing, my piano, my everything - why??

Now I really understand why Kate Spate, Goo Hara, Selena Gomez & so many successful individuals take their own lives because mental illness could really drain you. I wanted to be rich, pretty & healthy all my life. I focused on my physical health & looks so much that.... I didn't know I could fall victim to mental health. And, I didn't know I am already so serious. I don't think I could ever recover. Except. Through. Music. I just know, I already know only Music & Buddha can help me. I Just Know. Maybe blogging too. :)

Yet, I feel calm, hopeful & I am motivated, weirdly? When I have people doubt me, strangely it triggers my motivation! I feel VERY MOTIVATED and I don't know why? I don't know how to say, but I just know how I feel.

Great. Now everyone reading my blog knows of my mental problem. I AM NOT ASHAMED. In fact, I just know I will make it, despite my mental problems. Because, my mental problems will help me through life. Without it, probably I will be....not me.

This blog post took me SOOO long....#imh send help soon..

And it shall be June 2026 in a few hours. Kinda still feeling overstimulated in this modern AI world as usual, but I could really feel my confidence & steadiness flowing into my body. The first few months of every Lunar New Year, especially this Horsie year, feels panicky & way too quick for me. However, I always feel that my emotions begin to settle into myself when June arrives. Maybe it's because I used to have so many friends with birthdays in June? Or maybe as a Buddhist, I can finally collect my thoughts after Vesak Day? HAHAHAHAHAH I AM SO LAME.

Looking forward, I have a longgg way to go. At least 2 cases that may include POLICE & LAW F.M.L. Before Vesak Day, I was major panicking. My stupid Barbie brain may never grasp anything to do with LAW but with the help of some Aunties HAHAHAHAHAHA, I feel.... can la can la.

A few things I just can't let go. I JUST CAN'T. The Buddhism in me needs to be activated. My own angst is killing myself. But life is so weird, I know I can let go. But...I don't know if letting go is the right choice. Sometimes, being a crazy stubborn freak seems okay to me.

GUYS I AM STILL FEELING VERY WEIRD LIVING IN A CONDO! I want my HDB flat back..... On a brighter side, I lowkey suspect Condos have cleaner water, probably because of the weekly wash of swimming pools? My acne slowly cleared & my skin, despite some darkening due to the sun, looks very beautiful. I.think.I.love.condos.

Yesterday, I was just revising my FRSM pieces and OOPS I completely forgot how brilliant I was in my mid-end 20s. I had this fiery technique for my Beethoven piece but I never learnt refinement until...just weeks before my FR exam. I am really glad my M forced me to do FRSM because that is my strongest memory in my life. You can take anything away from me LET ME KEEP MY FUCKING FRSM CERTIFICATE I exchanged my LIFE for that piece of paper. YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT FRSM!!!

Sighs - off to dance to some pop music now....I need all genres of music for myself.

A very overstimulated week...

Life has just been disgusting & sickening... I filed a police report due to Theft of Cash in my own condo & I am lowkey getting ick vibes eww... I swear I am going to stomp into HQ to report my immediate manager this coming week but I am prioritising my facials & massages because I truly want to maintain my beautiful face & body until the day I die.

Nothing much to update - just discovered that I have zero woman hormones in me. Literally, zero. God forbid I don't feel the motherly instinct for kids & I suspect I've never loved kids. Probably I was always an adult trapped in the body of a kid while I was young? Never took a interest in anything childish. Yet, I love to drink, party & have fun!

Politically, I am following Xi JP & Donald Trump's meetup in Beijing! I am the perfect example of a person born in China, raised at home with traditional China values, educated in school with a mix of Asian/British knowledge & partied to all of USA's songs! If I ever get to leave Singapore, I would want to stay in a small town in USA? Don't wanna die though....

I feel like some traitor when I say I kinda like Donald Trump? He has this Big Daddy kind of vibes & I DIED HHAHAHAHAHA shaking with laughter every time T makes a media appearance or speech HAHAHAHAHA he made my day!!

Missing my old-time friends...but no la, not going to catch up liao. Gonna grow up, move on & look forward.

The First Art Exhibition of the Art Talent Society (Singapore) & Yiqing Fine Art

10 Penang Road, #01-02

Dhoby Ghaut Green

Singapore 238469

Nearest MRT: Dhoby G

The Art Exhibition was spacious, beautiful & a lovely walk for audience of all ages. I was so inspired I kinda want to pursue Art? Probably won't even need to spend money I'm just gonna use M's old materials HAHAHAHA!

Always felt that Art is an excellent choice because it keeps giving as we age, similar to Piano. Piano is  probably the audio version of Art? But Art just feels more...visual & easier to compare. When you put a few Art pieces side by side, you immediately know who is a better Artist, who is just a kid genius with limited vision, & who is truly a rich ass. Because the rich ass may probably have better foundation due to unlimited time & resources.

In another dimension, I am probably rich, famous, artistic & very very very fucking talented. As for right now... I'm back to my very very very boring & hopeless AF teaching career yawns....

Send. Help. Now.

I had such busy & heavy weeks for so long.... I could never imagine my mid-30s would be what it is like right now. So many 1st-world & high-caliber problems I am facing right now... makes me happy, makes me sad, makes me anxious....most importantly, I feel...blissed!

Even in my 30s, I am still having acne....I used to be SO MAD but after a while, seniors told me that the day I stop having acne, will be the day my true ageing begin... I too don't know whether this statement is scientifically proven... but then again, doesn't Science itself also need to be proven by Science?

Just today, I faced people issues yet again. Major. Human. Problems. But I remember what one of my mentor told me - "...always know that your targeted audience for piano lessons will be the rich families..." For years, I trusted my darling Singaporeans of HDB background (Yishun, Sengkang, Hougang etc...) but I very quickly discover that Singaporeans just don't make the cut for anything that needs cultural, artistic & aristocratic backing. I trust that my maturity & calmness will bring me forward. Please pray for me!

I was just carrying some Cash the other day & guess what? My Cash got stolen in my OWN CONDO! I've told TWO FUCKING SECURITY GUARDS & I guess I need to activate my vulgarities to make things move again. I don't want to be an asshole but I guess ass situations need me to show my true monster?

Someone I cannot brush off easily - asked me for help - so I help because sometimes life offers no choice - but when that someone doesn't understand - I get boxed up verbally? I didn't give that someone any chance too. I debated back. It.was.so.fun.

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It is during days like this that I realise....I don't know? Life lessons? Last week I heard a random Father telling his Daughter, "....in life, even if you have the most amazing parent, spouse or children - you can never depend on them completely...." 

Actually, I am glad I have this old stupid Blog to gush my thoughts. I thought this Blog would be my media, my advertorial, my "wordpress" - but turns out! This Blog is my thoughts. This stupid Blog Is Me!

I always lack confidence in human relationships. I hate all relationships. I AM AUTISTIC! Yet, I am an extrovert... UGRRRR! Anyway, I Hate Humans!!!

But something today - completely changed my mind.

My friend - pretty close, but definitely never overstepping any boundaries - grew up with speech issues (problem pronouncing certain alphabets) & autism - managed to not only overcome all her issues. She even manage to become some fucking therapist & is now helping others??!!!

And here I am - still blogging in this outdated platform...

Actually, nothing is impossible in this world. We all just need a little support here and there, every now and then. Some of us need intense treatment, some of us need a mindset reform, others simply need to cry it out.

For me, I just need to be by myself. I lowkey suspect I am an introvert actually.

I feel like I want to do more Accompaniment & Performing jobs? Of course these jobs are already scarce in the pathetic Singapore & I know close circles and connections matter a lot... But I feel like I'm ready to transit from teaching to accompaniment? I've been teaching sooo longgg & I just discovered that I actually don't enjoy human relationships...kinda miss the whole point of teaching isn't it? Feeling like a loser...

Oh well - cheers to myself? A pat on my back? Hope I can find a good balance in my life.

I have one good news for myself though - NO BLOODY ACNE ON MY FACE FOR TONIGHT!!! 

Another Overstimulated Day?

I lowkey suspect I am a communist. Love, Hate - & absolutely nothing in between. I simply couldn't bring myself to understand mixed feelings because I guess emotionally, I just cannot develop?

All my life I just hate all men, I find them gross & .. I don't know.. I feel like men make me ugly but I don't know why even till today? The 'yang' in them maybe? Hormones? Tone?

I grew up in an almost all-girls environment & loved every moment, completely thrived! Deep friendships, lovely conversations & so much letting in/out for my heart BUT recently I feel slightly... not myself anymore?

Going through a seriously weird transition in my life - I cannot explain myself. Felt SO STIMULATED on certain days yet I could fly on other days? Perhaps it is truly a smartphone problem. My brain stopped functioning in a manner that benefits me anymore. I feel short-circuited, loss of flow & very.very.stimulated for no reason!!

At least - Everyday when I pray to Buddha, I wish for health & peace for the world, especially animals.

I wonder how all of you are doing? May that spark always live in you. If you ever meet a sick or stray animal in need, do drop me a text at +65 93383729. I may not contribute in terms of time or effort, but at least a humble sum of money can be transferred to you.

Peace out assholes ---

China

I traveled back to China as my grandma is very sick. Kinda serious. Cancer! All solids have to be made into porridge-like liquids now. Very sad because both my gf already died. Now it is gm's turn. Not to die of course, but to be burdened by illness? Life sucks man...

Life is so crazyyy in Singapore & I never felt truly happy anywhere, but I think - I found some closure in China. Not because China is filty rich, amazing & completely revolutionizing the world - I don't care how rich a country is! It is the setting for me...

I went back to Da Pu village, the houses are enormous & I lowkey suspect I am more suitable for the countryside life? I suit big houses, terrace houses with gardens, bungalows-kind of setting & my small city-Condo just won't do for me. I can't even breathe at home!!! Made 1 female village millennial friend & I think I felt comfortable? Happy to have 1 pathetic friend of similar cultural background but nah...she doesn't know English so most likely, no la.... I can't be speaking Mandarin ONLY all the time isn't it.

Visited my gf's tomb in Da Pu & truly valued the importance of a country's size. My ancestors have HUGE TOMBS LITERALLY 1 WHOLE MOUNTAIN FOR ONE CORPSE! Despite being uncomfortable in China's village, I finally see why my that 1 friend I made simply refused to even migrate to Shenzhen! It is the fucking space!!! It offers an entire different vision & mindset in life!!

Finally traveled to China after 8-ish years? Not China's GZ, BJ or SH. I only went to SZ & DP. It wasn't a comfortable trip. But at least, I know what I need is Space.

Physically. Mentally. Probably spiritually too.

.....

Actually, when I converse with people of my age in China, I truly am more mature than them, despite probably having less general knowledge. Happy that I am mature. Proud of myself.

And the reason I goddamn dare to be so confident about who I am - is not because I am good or no good. It is because I Truly Know Myself. At least, I Am Not Scared.

Take a kitkat assholez...

Kinda worried?

Gosh recently life has been absolutely crazy recently & I always feel like my heart may burn anytime in Singapore's fast-paced lifestyle. I just never felt truly happy unless I feel free & be myself. I just know I don't really enjoy time spent with family & I'm such an awkward bitch even with close friends. I cannot relate to the bestie concept & hardly feel...natural with people? Despite my piano teaching being a technical skill aka people job, I always feel...I mildly dislike my students????

For me, everytime I love someone, I just hate that someone also. Life is such an oxymoron for me. I guess I truly feel myself when I spend time with myself. My grandmother - whom I stopped being so closed to - may depart from life with cancer. Extremely surprising, I feel most for her and my darling pet cat!

The other day, I was just thinking about my piano music. And I truly love ballads, whether Western, Chinese or Japanese. Slow pieces - obviously not tooo slow though - bring out the sadness in my heart, but I just feel happier & free-er after every slow piece!

If there is one change in me - I guess it is reasonable to conclude that I stopped loving humans! Dear dear, I find many values truly silly for a longgg time. I feel this deep sense of connection with myself, animals & I just hope to relax, take care of my body, and - hope my grandma, animals & all of you reading this blog can be safe, happy & peace out!

Damn I am Soooo Overstimulated from today's crazzzyyy activities I swear I need to tone out...

Blog.It.OUT!

I always wish for a unique & appropriate outlet to channel my inner monster. Piano is nice, but piano music does more of healing & I don't want to turn my beautiful piano memories into some sort of monstrous hell. I respect the bloody piano & I leave a room in my heart for respect.

In my teenage years, I did long-distant running to gush out my monster, but now in my mid-30s, my knees sort of hurt & it is damn embarrassing to admit I can't really feel my lower-half? As in... I constantly feel numb... Bloody idiot, I should have gone for marathons when I was young & fit What Was I Doing?!!

Dance feels amazing on me & I've never felt gorgeous if not for dance but at the same time, dance also drains me so much I feel like I need to be some cool kid. Obviously, I am pretty cool. But the pressure to perform?! Even piano never made me felt pressurized simply because the piano tone is ever-beautiful.

I've been on this Blog since my pre-teen years! Before the entire social media blowup, I was already here using mountains of vulgarities, innocently of course, happily announcing to the whole world my daily amusement. I've deleted so many posts off this Blog that I wonder if I ever blogged. Actually, what made me delete my old posts? I don't judge my own horrendous past!

Feeling sad that I only treasure my Blog after so many years. Parallel to how I looked back & reconnected with some old friends/neighbors/students & instead of feeling happy, I feel awkward??!! I'm such a weird bitch I swear I have always been autistic but never diagnosed.

Whatever monster in me - let me blog it out. I don't need to be married I swear I hate all men. I don't need to be rich I truly have passions. I don't need to be so pretty I think I'm mild gorgeous already? Just allow me to Blog My Heart Out. My language may ruin your soul. My stories may make you lose respect for me. My thoughts may be extremely offensive.

And this is why I need to blog. I have this blog. I must must must blog.

Friends, join me here?

Someone whom knew me for years reminded me - that I used to be sooooo street and no where near where I am now. That felt like both a insult & a compliment. Indeed, I remember starting off at a place that seem very far away...

Nowadays, I feel like I am someone of high caliber. But ever since Covid, I enjoyed using vulgarities in my thoughts & my speech. What. is. happening?

Well, I believe in using idiotic means to deal with idiots. I won't hesitate to use vulgarities, force (I hope I ain't a weakling), & go all the way to deal with idiots. I can't wait! It's fun to fight! To me la...

But something feels... off. It feels like the world is spilt into half...

On one side, we have people of high musical caliber, mostly traditional old-schoolers, neat, detailed... On another end, we have people with....extremely high ego, terrible coordination & explosive thoughts?! I can't articulate my thoughts that well yet, I may not know what I am talking about because even I am going through a transitional phrase.

Just yesterday, I enjoyed music soooo much, had more accompaniment jobs etc... Then today, I sort of feel like I hate one of my all-time favourite student??!!

So glad I have this Blog. Dear Blog, I need you more than you need me. Peace out.