I think, it is because I am actually ashamed of my own country. Then again, suddenly in this sentence, my own country becomes Singapore, instead of China.
I truly think I am an ass. I code switch like some traitor. Whomever called me an ass in my early adult years, I forgot who you are, but you may be right.
HAHAHAHAHAHHAA I blog funnyy...
But, actually, it is not funny at all. Nothing is ever funny and nothing is funny anymore.
I feel like I don't respect myself as a Singaporean, because instead of respect, I actually feel a lot of shame. Not even a little shame. A lot, actually. When I walk along the streets of Singapore, I am constantly trying to fake smile, shake ass, or listen to music, because deep inside, I am not happy.
Either I look down on myself as a Singaporean, or, I look down on Singapore. Either or - both are terrible. I know it. But, I don't want to do anything about it. To put it simply for myself, since this is my blog, I don't want to learn to feel anything new as a Singaporean. And. I don't know why.
But it is weird, I felt something - but I don't know what it is - when I spoke to my MP in Sengkang. I think, I felt...a sense of community? The feeling is definitely NOT FRIENDSHIP. Probably, as I said, community bonding?
With my darling Singaporean friends, I felt friendship, warmth (questionable and debatable but not for today), & a sparkle of...sincerity? Then again, I suspect Singaporeans never understood sincerity. Not that I ever had any sincerity values too...maybe I have... who knows.
My millennial friend introduced a word for my feelings - "suss". He had a Gen Z daughter and anything that felt off, shall be "suss". HAHAHAHAHA.
So, am I a banana? Or am I a plate of ju chong feng? HAHAHAHAHA I REALLY DO BLOG FUNNY KUDOS TO MYSELF I MAKE MYSELF LAUGH....
Till then nanas...
P.S. Very Proud of myself for being to specifically state my feelings at every point in my life, good or bad. DAMN FUCKING PROUD.
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