My cough is back again. Very tragic. I can only pray to my Buddha for strength, energy and health in this very difficult period of my life.

I had a lovely Korean meal with a group of teachers-friends this afternoon, and was having spasms of emotions. It must be the medicine from my cough again. One minute I was dancing to K-Pop songs while eating. Another moment I was still suffering from the after-pains of sitting in a non-BMW car (I have motion sickness only in cars). The next second - I feel happy, but my eyes wanted to cry.

For me, ever since age 35/6 - ish, I wanted nothing, except for good health. No more crazy hustling and bustling like in my 20s. I used to love money so much, I needed so many people to wake me up. I was a crazy workaholic and I deeply regret being so. My health deteriorated so much, both mentally and physically. I also performed acts that completely does not define me. This year, I want to be kind and forgive myself.

No more ridiculous shame. "So be it" are my favourite three words for the second half of 2026. I feel like - I only wish for perhaps, 30% more of my current income (?) Any further amount shall be detrimental to my physical health. I cannot hold it anymore.

Tonight, I really miss my friends. And, my grandmother from Shenzhen. Of course, I miss the latter more. In fact, I miss my grandmother so much that I cry every single time I think of her. I can be shaking my ass one second ago, but when my grandmother (suffering from cancer) flashes through my mind, tears flow down my pretty big eyes, just like that.

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As I was getting ready to end this blog post - a thought pops up! I had this exact same thought when I was on my way home just tonight! As a woman, I really believe, my top priority in life, is to be happy. Obviously, I wish to be pretty, rich, skinny, popular, successful, well-educated, marry a rich & loving husband, have kids and pets etc... But honestly, I never cared or loved any Man in my life. I also do not wish to hone my next generation. I may identify, shamelessly or not, as The Prettiest Piano Teacher, but truthfully - I just want to be happy.

Oh well, at least, happy while blogging, and happy with my pet cat. I don't just see him as a pet la, he is my friend, my buddy, my... first male I think I ever loved. Just, in a pet form.

What a traumatizing day I just experienced from the middle of last week to today. I finally understood what truly happened to me. Covid seriously affected me, both professionally and personally, so much, that my brain completely skipped over 6 years of memories and experiences.

Therefore, tonight, sitting with my pet cat in my room. I truly cannot remember much of 2019 till 2024. It felt like I was still happily taking my last tour in SEA, before 6 years of absolutely blank memory, and then I immediately turned 34/5/6 - ish!

The latter part of my 20s was completely forgotten. I swear to you. Completely. Forgotten. I can literally just become so mad at say, Person A, and I would want to take legal actions against that particular incident or person, simply because - I've forgotten everything that happened with that Person. Encounter-wise, I mean.

I do remember my early 20s very well. The biggest difference lies not only in my character, but in my looks. I modelled for 3 different eyebrow tattoo artists. Each gifted me with a different set of brows. The first, was a lady from Vietnam. Extremely traditional, calculated the exact measurement for the length in between my brows, even attempted to include feng shui for me. I thought I loved her work, but my taste has changed.

The 2nd lady was also from Vietnam, till today, I still model for her. She truly mastered mandarin, survived in Singapore, and always, so happily chatty with me. I love that about her.

The final lady understood my greediness for fuller brows, which translate to my desire for a fuller and richer life. Hopefully richer, as in monetary, but not simply monetary. Instead of brow strokes tattoo, she did the entire dot-dot-dot technique & surprisingly, her style is my favourite now!

I wish I can remember something from 6 years of Covid. All I remember is losing out in certain aspect of my professional life, but I gained so much in my private personal life! Tonight, I feel very .... lost (?) but also really found. I think.... I want to cry, but also at the same time, I am excited. But I don't know what I am excited for?

Maybe, just maybe. I wish, I can learn to relax the space in between my brows. 

Remembering myself..

Before my whole perspective on life shifts further and further away from my usual cleanliness, let me just remember myself tonight.

I know who I am. I'm a nice girl. A pretty girl. A clean girl.

I'm born in China, I own Chinese values like no other.

Usually, I am polite. So polite - to the point of being politically polite.

Yet, I am an extrovert, no one can be more E than me. Unless, well, Americans.

I'm on the right-most side of E, as in, I do not think before I talk, I just blabber. Yet, everything I do, is always with Buddha's protection, because I've always been a Buddhist. Not Christian, not Tao-ism, just your Buddhist girl.

Time and Life definitely got into me. Growing up, growing older, or rather, ageing, took away many layers of my lovely and happy self. Tonight, when I sit in my feelings, I feel... like I want to remember myself, as myself.

I'm not a Company - I don't play dirty. I'm not a parent - I don't need to parent anyone. I'm also not a Man - I don't feel the need to do big things, or earn sooooo much, or even save the world. I'm not an only child - I know how to share and spilt. I'm not an orphan! - both my parents are still alive, and very much, kicking everything their legs can reach. I'm not ang mo - I didn't spend years studying in US or UK.

I'm just...myself.

My zodiacs are Capricon & Horse. Feel how steady I am, know how far I can survive/sustain myself, and always know.... my power is in my stamina.

That being said, I think Covid took half my stamina away.