A VERY SILLY REASON TO BE HAPPY TONIGHT

Life is kinda funny to me. A few posts prior to this ridiculous post, I was channeling hatred for my own Condo - a very silly problem - but it is not silly to me. And then, today I was just smiling like an idiot on my way from my block to the gym.

I think my Condo cured my autism & anxiety HAHAHAHAHAAA..

Condo is such an interesting concept, only in Singapore, isn't it? It is just like HDB (with even lower ceiling WHY developers WHY), but with some shared facilities, carpark, and an interesting theme for each condo.

Girls! & guys! I think, I finally know why I like my condo!

The design. I don't really know how to put it into words. But I find every colour, every texture and even the big-picture and aerial view of my condo....NAILED. Apparently my condo has two developers working together to imitate the spanish style. Obviously I won't even know what the spanish style even mean but hey, it makes me feel...high-class yet relaxed. Every marble and textile feels very harmoniously put together. I really enjoy staring at myself in the lifts' HUGE mirrors HAHAHAHA I check myself out EVERYDAY!!! Ego boost for myself duh, girls have even larger ego actually....

I just feel...the design of my condo makes me...feel nice. But my vocab is so bloody limited that I cannot come out with anymore words HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA but I know what I mean....

I kinda wanna stop blogging here tonight but I am not done yet leh... still got things to say but I just don't know what HAHAHAHAHAAA

P. S. I think I am so happy because my condo LOVES pets. Almost every single unit has an animal (including BIRDS HAHAHAHAHAHHAAA) and we even have a Pets' Zone. Our grasses are getting so ugly because all the animals keep scratching and shitting on it HAHAHAHAHAAA....

Every single walk from my unit to wherever I need to go is ALWAYS filled with at least 3 hi-byes for neighbours AND at least 3 more "HI" to random pets peeing on the grass HAHAHAHAHAAAA that is why I am always smiling like an idiot when walking HAHAHAHAHAHAAA sometimes I even shake ass HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA

Someone asked me where I'm from. I said I'm from China. Actually, I wonder, why didn't I say Singapore, or at least - China & Singapore.

I think, it is because I am actually ashamed of my own country. Then again, suddenly in this sentence, my own country becomes Singapore, instead of China.

I truly think I am an ass. I code switch like some traitor. Whomever called me an ass in my early adult years, I forgot who you are, but you may be right.

HAHAHAHAHAHHAA I blog funnyy...

But, actually, it is not funny at all. Nothing is ever funny and nothing is funny anymore.

I feel like I don't respect myself as a Singaporean, because instead of respect, I actually feel a lot of shame. Not even a little shame. A lot, actually. When I walk along the streets of Singapore, I am constantly trying to fake smile, shake ass, or listen to music, because deep inside, I am not happy.

Either I look down on myself as a Singaporean, or, I look down on Singapore. Either or - both are terrible. I know it. But, I don't want to do anything about it. To put it simply for myself, since this is my blog, I don't want to learn to feel anything new as a Singaporean. And. I don't know why.

But it is weird, I felt something - but I don't know what it is - when I spoke to my MP in Sengkang. I think, I felt...a sense of community? The feeling is definitely NOT FRIENDSHIP. Probably, as I said, community bonding?

With my darling Singaporean friends, I felt friendship, warmth (questionable and debatable but not for today), & a sparkle of...sincerity? Then again, I suspect Singaporeans never understood sincerity. Not that I ever had any sincerity values too...maybe I have... who knows.

My millennial friend introduced a word for my feelings - "suss". He had a Gen Z daughter and anything that felt off, shall be "suss". HAHAHAHAHA.

So, am I a banana? Or am I a plate of ju chong feng? HAHAHAHAHA I REALLY DO BLOG FUNNY KUDOS TO MYSELF I MAKE MYSELF LAUGH....

Till then nanas...

P.S. Very Proud of myself for being to specifically state my feelings at every point in my life, good or bad. DAMN FUCKING PROUD.

A very commercialised me...

Occasionally, I wonder if I got commercialised way too soon. Therefore, am I experiencing the "aftershocks" of self-sabotaged commercialisation right now? Of course, being a "mini" piano prodigy already made me give up many demonic childhood luxuries and entering SMU......hahahaha, it is the epitome of commercialisation, fuck myself!!!

Right now, it is so weird when I look at myself through the lens of.....well, myself - obviously. I am a commercialised woman, ready to give & take on any form of relationship - whether business or casual. And, I guess, I think I am actually an Artist.

I fall in love fast, but I also fall out of love even faster. Again, fml.

Regarding the Artist point, I never realised that I am actually one. I always felt autistic, but still, it is self-diagnosed, and could be self-sabotage. I don't know! I don't have doctors as parents!

I am the biggest floater in the world. I jump from places to places, engaging in various pursuit of my own happiness. My emotional rides - absolutely crazy. But, I know I don't have ADHD. Because, I can stop my brain from thinking. And I absolutely love zoning out. I hate thinking. That is why I cannot do Science, because Science needs so much intense reasoning I would rather drownnnnn.....

Being commercialised is not a bad thing, at least in my opinion - rather early, than late - is my viewpoint on this matter. Of course, I wish I stayed as uncommercialised till as late as possible, but no one can control my encounters.

I think I shall cut this post, and that is all for tonight.

I FEEL SO WEIRD. I THINK IN MANDARIN BUT I VERBALISE/TYPE IN ENGLISH FUCK MY LIFE IS THIS WHAT A TRUE BILINGUALIST REALLY DOESSSSSS