These few weeks have been crazy but I finally managed to perform more self-regulation of my emotions & mental illness on my own. What I really need, is the beach & grass. More of the beach really, or anything, anything with nature, anything more natural for my very uncomfortable self.

Do you sometimes feel that life is a party? I know I am a mf crazy party animal. You just know what you are, isn't it. Even though I am dealing with adult matters now (hopefully - I never know how childish I am until I find out on my own), I always feel that my head is stuck IN MY 20s. If I need to be more specific, I am stuck between ages 27 to 29. I can't pinpoint which year. There is a year, where I am mentally stuck at. RAAAA what is happeningggggg....

GUYS if I have to verbalise something it is THE NEW ABRSM SYLLABUS what is happening there are Afro vibes in it??!!! 2 years ago, the pop and theatre pieces already gave us all a mini scare, but to really advance from Classical & to even mix in...MORE? I still feel that anything on piano should probably stay Baroque, Classical, Romantic, 20th Century, I mean - I CAN ACCEPT POP but the pop must be classical arranged, or rather, re-arranged for piano students AHHHH can someone shake ABRSM awake?

If I may - I started a 2nd Youtube Channel - away from my piano channel, would you kindly support me HERE please?

Something is BOTHERING me...well, many things are bothering me. Either I choose to stick to it, let it go, or trash it out. Different matters require different approaches..... I have this ick I cannot verbalise but I feel it FML what is happening again???!!!

Let's go to the beach HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA

Law

I feel that I completely overshared on my last post regarding my Buddhism ideas. F.M.L. I think Buddha is going to be SOOO angry at me because Buddha HATES oversharing....SHIT. Buddha is probably going to punish me already...

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Yesterday was the biggest day of my life. I went to the State Courts at Havelock as the Claimant for a Consultation. I cannot elaborate because I don't want to jinx anything. And Buddha probably also doesn't want me to share anything because Buddhism is EXTREMELY introspective, again FML. Yesterday was the 2nd time I had to put my hands on Singapore's Law, seriously. Growing up in Singapore as the elder child of immigrant China parents, I always have two sides of me - rojak Singaporean & extremely China-ish Chee-na girl. I am not at all ashamed of my China roots because I truly know how BIGGGGGGG China is and no economy can compete with China. This point alone. China. win. liao. The rest of us...feel free to say good night and good bye.

The law thingyyy went ok. It was just a Consultation, there shall be another Hearing but before that, there is apparently a pre-Hearing. The "judge"... well, I don't know if that same "judge" will continue the case, but apparently yes - because she keeps on emphasizing how busy she is going to be...

This law thingyy I'm working on with the Singapore Courts has to do with a major music company in Singapore and its beef with me. I am not letting this go. My anger is my biggest motivator in life. I have never felt more motivated about anything. Not even my FRSM. Not even money. Not even marrying rich.

I feel like I'm all alone to deal with my law case. Thank god my MP gave me an excellent referral. I feel that so far, Singapore truly has an excellent law system. Even though there are SO MANY sub-units here and there and Singapore's efficiency is NOT AS AWESOME as marketed, I can tell that people really want to help, but lack the specific knowledge of the very niche area I need help on.

SIGHS this blog so far also a bit no use already. I CANNOT HEAR my thoughts in solely English. I do a mix....English and Mandarin. Sighs.... I am not feeling anything tonight. Suddenly, I miss my SMU piano friend...she was from a family of lawyers and accountants. I feel like, at this point, she will understand me most...YET I GAVE UP THAT FRIENDSHIP BECAUSE I THOUGHT I WAS BETTER THAN HER FUCK MY EGO!!!!!! Buddha feel free to punish me...

Just a Buddha girl...

One admirable thing I genuinely admire about myself - is truly the level of self-reflection I do, for myself obviously, on a daily basis. My religion has always been Buddhism - and I am a Buddha girl through and through. My Buddhism studies guided me in two manners - 慈悲心 & 智慧. There shall be no English translation even though I am able to translate these two Mandarin characters for you. But I will not. Simply because translation shall result in the loss of the original flavour of those two Mandarin characters.

Anyway - after years of self-reflection. I have decided that my 慈心 will not be applied on humans, not even the elderly, handicapped, or the needy. Because I truly believe in Buddha's fairness in the grand scheme of life. Perhaps you did something destructive in your childhood, thus you would need to pay for it in your adulthood or golden years? HOWEVER, I will always have 慈心 for animals, simply because they are just animals, and I really have love for them. Dear Buddha, if you are reading my blog, hope you can spare some kindness for animals.

The 2nd manner towards the world of Buddhism is via 智慧. I feel that I have, but I also know that I will never achieve it fully. My brain will never reach Masters or Phd that kind of level. I am no Minister level and I don't care. Because that is never my route! But just these three weeks, I feel like I can serve? I also don't know who or what I am destined to serve...maybe serve water?

HAHAHAHAHA wasted I didn't become a comedian HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

The final point that is crucial in my Buddhism journey is the "悲" in 慈悲心. According to Buddha, extreme happiness and the outward kind of excitement is highly discouraged. I completely feel this but I still believe I am secretly an extrovert. Even though I know that my personal battery charges to the brim when I'm alone... I still feel... I just know I am not an introvert. Otherwise why would I find the need to blog my feelings out?

Hang on. I am not explaining Buddhism well to all of you. Not that I am speaking to you though... but... UGRR my explanation sucks!

SHIT AM I SCHIZOPHRENIC? Actually, am I just mentally ill or am I just a sucky bitch. I guess the real question is how come I can feel the Buddhism in me ah? How come ah?

This post is such a me post. I am so glad I know who I am... eh, but I don't want to be a nun hor, I want my hair....