Today felt very heavy for me. It's my first time telling a parent that I do not like their child - as a teacher. In the past, I have had discussions with my students, especially teenagers, on what we like and don't like about each other as teacher and student. Any arguments or disagreements - I've solved them one-on-one, face-to-face, with whomever I had a 'problem' with.

But today felt so heavy, so huge BUT I FEEL SO FUCKING HAPPY! I always felt...that this particular student brought out the demon in myself. Not blaming though - I could be some fucking demon, so could you - eventually, everyone & no one can judge us, whatever!

Because of this incident, I changed my blog heading to A Female Piano Teacher's Feelings. I always trusted that Music is a feeling, before everything else. So this blog will be about my feelings.

As for the word "Female" - I firmly believed that the piano is designed for Females to enjoy, succeed & blossom. I sound sexist - but I know I am not.

To letting go & newer feelings! Enjoy.

The Melody

When I first started playing for Youtube, I began to hear myself from the audience pov. Distancing myself from the piano as a pianist, I discovered a problem.

My music? Bottom-heavy. Details? Overdone. I performed my music from ground-up. Convinced by my theory knowledge that harmony is the basis of music. I over-played the harmony.

Slowly, I realised - no matter how beautiful I shape my harmony, my chords, my bass notes even... I will never play beautiful music. Because the beauty of music lies in the singability and extravagance of the melody. Or in certain cases, secondary melodies too.

I pulled myself away from my music, and really listened to it.

Why didn't I hear how loud my left hand was in the past? Why did I spend time and effort shaping the harmonies when I should be enjoying and singing with the melody phrases? Why did I ever think that harmony can be more important than the melody when the melody is always right there? Piercing at me!

Life is tricky and ain't I a fool?!

Well - Hope we can all hear the melody of our music. Especially.on.the.piano.

Ego

Today was supposed to be an average day for me, running my usual chores & teaching students here-and-there. But, I just feel, like I discovered something!

I think I finally understood why students can suffer from poor practice schedule, stunned technique growth & years of ridiculous musical errors - despite being told the pathway to excellence.

It is definitely - EGO.

My choir friend once told me that I have zero ego. That was back in my teenage years. I thought I was a quick learner - with photographic memory & a likable personality. Turns out the secret to my success (at least years ago) - was due to myself having no ego!

Damn - recently I think I developed some ego, known as The Teacher's Ego.

SHIT!!! I feel like I am right, I feel like I deserve to comment on certain people's certain behaviour because I feel like I know better. But do I really? I doubt I truly know better. I think I am blinded by my own ego!

SHIT SHIT SHIT time to kill my fucking EGO! I give myself one month! If I still have any ounce of ego by the end of April, I WILL FUCK YOU ALL!