Remembering myself..

Before my whole perspective on life shifts further and further away from my usual cleanliness, let me just remember myself tonight.

I know who I am. I'm a nice girl. A pretty girl. A clean girl.

I'm born in China, I own Chinese values like no other.

Usually, I am polite. So polite - to the point of being politically polite.

Yet, I am an extrovert, no one can be more E than me. Unless, well, Americans.

I'm on the right-most side of E, as in, I do not think before I talk, I just blabber. Yet, everything I do, is always with Buddha's protection, because I've always been a Buddhist. Not Christian, not Tao-ism, just your Buddhist girl.

Time and Life definitely got into me. Growing up, growing older, or rather, ageing, took away many layers of my lovely and happy self. Tonight, when I sit in my feelings, I feel... like I want to remember myself, as myself.

I'm not a Company - I don't play dirty. I'm not a parent - I don't need to parent anyone. I'm also not a Man - I don't feel the need to do big things, or earn sooooo much, or even save the world. I'm not an only child - I know how to share and spilt. I'm not an orphan! - both my parents are still alive, and very much, kicking everything their legs can reach. I'm not ang mo - I didn't spend years studying in US or UK.

I'm just...myself.

My zodiacs are Capricon & Horse. Feel how steady I am, know how far I can survive/sustain myself, and always know.... my power is in my stamina.

That being said, I think Covid took half my stamina away.

Real dirty

Ever since I turned 30 many moons ago, life gets serious. When I officially pass 35, oh my god life becomes serious, heavy and it feels as if my heart gets emptied out, every single day.

It is a bizarre, interesting and very weird feeling. Time seems to fly by, as if everyday is a rush. It feels like - once I open my eyes, it is time to close my eyes again. Some days, I even forget what I did in the afternoon, because... is there even an afternoon? How can my day feel like morning, zip zip zip, then bed time?

In short, life gets dirty. Extremely dirty. Both in the professional (especially!) & my personal world. OMG I do not remember a day in my life where I feel only happiness. It is always mixed feelings. And sometimes, my feelings feel so mixed that I wonder whether I am some blended fruit juice. Really FML.

This dirtiness that I am blogging about is a very unique kind of dirtiness. Of course we all have participated in politics, well, everywhere. With our neighbors, with our childhood friends (questionable term in the modern age), with our family, and with our colleagues. But politics after 35 hits different like a huge slap on my ass. I now chit-chat with dirtiness in mind. I no longer carry an innocent conversation because my body has built-in politics the minute I turn 35.

Really amazed at what my mind and body can do for me. Honestly, I feel proud of my abilities.

So many times I've touched the dirty floor with my bare hands, because, seriously, how dirty can the floor be? 

I now identify as Singapore's prettiest piano teacher, politically. HAHAHAA, just realised that I am a HUGE JOKER.

Well well well, till next time. Who knows, too many dirty things happening around me. May I come back to this blog for comfort soon....very soon. Really missing...my friends. BUT, I don't know who they are. Life is turning...sad for me. However, I am not only, not crying. I. am. enjoying. my. life! Who the hell am I.

A very sick week..

Last Thursday till the weekend was the most terrible time for me in 2026. Never have I thought that a silly cough can kill me. Apparently, it can - according to my China boss, because lungs are vital for all of us.

Well, it started with a cough, then migrated to the flu (not Covid, not Influenza), then back to the cough. Two family clinics, two 24/7 clinics and another visit to the same family clinic concluded that I was coughing due to an allergy. After swallowing so many antibiotics and cough syrup/pills, the last doctor concluded that I was coughing as I was having so much mucus buildup at my nose area, it overflowed to my throat! A simple nose spray and some allergic pills solved the problem!

That being said, I am still coughing, but not so serious anymore. However, any vigorous moves seems to trigger my cough and it looks like I can't be doing any strenuous exercises for the time being.

Funny enough, the 24/7 doctor, so handsome, definitely my type of guy, just couldn't diagnose my exact reason for coughing. I took so many antibiotics and cough pills that I spend two whole days, completely knocked out. Still missing that doctor though, I have not met anyone SO MY TYPE. FML I suspect he is gay.

Life is so funny, when I was all zoned out - I had the biggest self-reflection of my life. All these medicine perform miraculous changes to my brain! Everything! From deciding to quit my job, to migrating back to China, to migrating back to China again for my retirement... everything! Tears flowed down my cheeks unexpectedly for five minutes, and then the next five minutes, I would be laughing at some social media memes. Oh dear, the power of medicine!