I guess this blog is my safe space now? Everytime I wanna vent, I'm going to end up here?

Today is my mysterious day. I AM OVERSTIMULATED A F and perhaps it is due to two cups of.... I feel ashamed to admit, TEA? fml.

Anyway, ladies & gentlemen another fml - I think I over-estimated my friendships ~ typical characteristic of a China-born autistic female. The amount of times my friends treated me as a business vs the amount of times I was truly .... "feeling the friendship"... ? I AM EMBARRASED AS FUCK. Especially the Singaporeans! I swear they treat everything and everyone like a company or a science question. As of today, I commit to Buddha - absolutely no more jokes on myself. Absolutely! I . will . shut . my . mouth .

Regarding my last post about my mental illness - oh well, to add salt to my already wounded mind - I largely think my overstimulation only occurs on days I take in caffeine. The annoying thing is it takes TWO & A HALF WHOLE DAYS for me to get rid of my overstimulation. I swear my parents didn't send me to any overstimulated Montessori nursery/kindergarten & I never studied overseas. I haven't even been to USA or UK. No reason for my heartburn! Probably just the caffeine.

Just this afternoon I was feeling so angry & revengeful about ... no details here, three matters - I told myself, 10 years. Even if I take 10 years to make the revenge (singlish again lol), it is not too late for me. Anger motivates the shit out of me. I promise myself, the day will come. Obviously I can hopefully forgive, but still... when I am angry, let me shake it to the max. I hardly feel angry anyway. I feel overstimulated. But overstimulation is not anger.

Horse year is already in June - according to Feng Shui, it is the most heated month. Not about Singapore's sun though. It is the fact that June to Sep are the months where the strongest Horses are born. According to chinese beliefs, horses born in those months are very wealthy, successful & will enjoy endless sparks in their lives. Yours truly here is born in December. I have accepted my fate. I am still hibernating. And may never wake up HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Lastly, well - just donated some small amount to my area's MP & my darling animals' associations!!! Wish them all the best. If life is tough, HAHAHAAHA if I can make jokes despite being mentally ill, well I guess... I still believe... life is fun!

I am Mentally Ill. Self-diagnosed though.

Today is such a sad day for me. I feel so defeated. Nothing is going my way. I did a complete meltdown and it's already the 2nd day of my period!

I really think I am mentally ill. I feel that my mental illness - if any - is actually very very very serious. I also sense that my mental illness escalated in recent months. Is there any free or cheap mental health specialist I can see in Singapore? I googled and apparently it shall be a minimum of SG $200/h?! Years ago, a student's parent told me she liked me so much she was willing to offer free therapy sessions for me. Just last year, a parent working in IMH told me she knew I was mentally ill, from the way I whatsapp her. Even looking at my own reflection, I look so..... mentally ill lol. Really fml.

My M always knew I was mentally ill ever since I entered JC. My M's side has a long history of mental illness & one distant relative of mine even entered China's version of IMH. He had to be tied up at all times & my other relatives had to visit him & pay for his...everything.

Last Sunday, I cancelled classes because the meltdown was so serious I even had heartburn. I swear to all Gods, I did my Yoga, my dancing, my piano, my everything - why??

Now I really understand why Kate Spate, Goo Hara, Selena Gomez & so many successful individuals take their own lives because mental illness could really drain you. I wanted to be rich, pretty & healthy all my life. I focused on my physical health & looks so much that.... I didn't know I could fall victim to mental health. And, I didn't know I am already so serious. I don't think I could ever recover. Except. Through. Music. I just know, I already know only Music & Buddha can help me. I Just Know. Maybe blogging too. :)

Yet, I feel calm, hopeful & I am motivated, weirdly? When I have people doubt me, strangely it triggers my motivation! I feel VERY MOTIVATED and I don't know why? I don't know how to say, but I just know how I feel.

Great. Now everyone reading my blog knows of my mental problem. I AM NOT ASHAMED. In fact, I just know I will make it, despite my mental problems. Because, my mental problems will help me through life. Without it, probably I will be....not me.

This blog post took me SOOO long....#imh send help soon..

And it shall be June 2026 in a few hours. Kinda still feeling overstimulated in this modern AI world as usual, but I could really feel my confidence & steadiness flowing into my body. The first few months of every Lunar New Year, especially this Horsie year, feels panicky & way too quick for me. However, I always feel that my emotions begin to settle into myself when June arrives. Maybe it's because I used to have so many friends with birthdays in June? Or maybe as a Buddhist, I can finally collect my thoughts after Vesak Day? HAHAHAHAHAH I AM SO LAME.

Looking forward, I have a longgg way to go. At least 2 cases that may include POLICE & LAW F.M.L. Before Vesak Day, I was major panicking. My stupid Barbie brain may never grasp anything to do with LAW but with the help of some Aunties HAHAHAHAHAHA, I feel.... can la can la.

A few things I just can't let go. I JUST CAN'T. The Buddhism in me needs to be activated. My own angst is killing myself. But life is so weird, I know I can let go. But...I don't know if letting go is the right choice. Sometimes, being a crazy stubborn freak seems okay to me.

GUYS I AM STILL FEELING VERY WEIRD LIVING IN A CONDO! I want my HDB flat back..... On a brighter side, I lowkey suspect Condos have cleaner water, probably because of the weekly wash of swimming pools? My acne slowly cleared & my skin, despite some darkening due to the sun, looks very beautiful. I.think.I.love.condos.

Yesterday, I was just revising my FRSM pieces and OOPS I completely forgot how brilliant I was in my mid-end 20s. I had this fiery technique for my Beethoven piece but I never learnt refinement until...just weeks before my FR exam. I am really glad my M forced me to do FRSM because that is my strongest memory in my life. You can take anything away from me LET ME KEEP MY FUCKING FRSM CERTIFICATE I exchanged my LIFE for that piece of paper. YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT FRSM!!!

Sighs - off to dance to some pop music now....I need all genres of music for myself.