What a traumatizing day I just experienced from the middle of last week to today. I finally understood what truly happened to me. Covid seriously affected me, both professionally and personally, so much, that my brain completely skipped over 6 years of memories and experiences.

Therefore, tonight, sitting with my pet cat in my room. I truly cannot remember much of 2019 till 2024. It felt like I was still happily taking my last tour in SEA, before 6 years of absolutely blank memory, and then I immediately turned 34/5/6 - ish!

The latter part of my 20s was completely forgotten. I swear to you. Completely. Forgotten. I can literally just become so mad at say, Person A, and I would want to take legal actions against that particular incident or person, simply because - I've forgotten everything that happened with that Person. Encounter-wise, I mean.

I do remember my early 20s very well. The biggest difference lies not only in my character, but in my looks. I modelled for 3 different eyebrow tattoo artists. Each gifted me with a different set of brows. The first, was a lady from Vietnam. Extremely traditional, calculated the exact measurement for the length in between my brows, even attempted to include feng shui for me. I thought I loved her work, but my taste has changed.

The 2nd lady was also from Vietnam, till today, I still model for her. She truly mastered mandarin, survived in Singapore, and always, so happily chatty with me. I love that about her.

The final lady understood my greediness for fuller brows, which translate to my desire for a fuller and richer life. Hopefully richer, as in monetary, but not simply monetary. Instead of brow strokes tattoo, she did the entire dot-dot-dot technique & surprisingly, her style is my favourite now!

I wish I can remember something from 6 years of Covid. All I remember is losing out in certain aspect of my professional life, but I gained so much in my private personal life! Tonight, I feel very .... lost (?) but also really found. I think.... I want to cry, but also at the same time, I am excited. But I don't know what I am excited for?

Maybe, just maybe. I wish, I can learn to relax the space in between my brows. 

Remembering myself..

Before my whole perspective on life shifts further and further away from my usual cleanliness, let me just remember myself tonight.

I know who I am. I'm a nice girl. A pretty girl. A clean girl.

I'm born in China, I own Chinese values like no other.

Usually, I am polite. So polite - to the point of being politically polite.

Yet, I am an extrovert, no one can be more E than me. Unless, well, Americans.

I'm on the right-most side of E, as in, I do not think before I talk, I just blabber. Yet, everything I do, is always with Buddha's protection, because I've always been a Buddhist. Not Christian, not Tao-ism, just your Buddhist girl.

Time and Life definitely got into me. Growing up, growing older, or rather, ageing, took away many layers of my lovely and happy self. Tonight, when I sit in my feelings, I feel... like I want to remember myself, as myself.

I'm not a Company - I don't play dirty. I'm not a parent - I don't need to parent anyone. I'm also not a Man - I don't feel the need to do big things, or earn sooooo much, or even save the world. I'm not an only child - I know how to share and spilt. I'm not an orphan! - both my parents are still alive, and very much, kicking everything their legs can reach. I'm not ang mo - I didn't spend years studying in US or UK.

I'm just...myself.

My zodiacs are Capricon & Horse. Feel how steady I am, know how far I can survive/sustain myself, and always know.... my power is in my stamina.

That being said, I think Covid took half my stamina away.

Real dirty

Ever since I turned 30 many moons ago, life gets serious. When I officially pass 35, oh my god life becomes serious, heavy and it feels as if my heart gets emptied out, every single day.

It is a bizarre, interesting and very weird feeling. Time seems to fly by, as if everyday is a rush. It feels like - once I open my eyes, it is time to close my eyes again. Some days, I even forget what I did in the afternoon, because... is there even an afternoon? How can my day feel like morning, zip zip zip, then bed time?

In short, life gets dirty. Extremely dirty. Both in the professional (especially!) & my personal world. OMG I do not remember a day in my life where I feel only happiness. It is always mixed feelings. And sometimes, my feelings feel so mixed that I wonder whether I am some blended fruit juice. Really FML.

This dirtiness that I am blogging about is a very unique kind of dirtiness. Of course we all have participated in politics, well, everywhere. With our neighbors, with our childhood friends (questionable term in the modern age), with our family, and with our colleagues. But politics after 35 hits different like a huge slap on my ass. I now chit-chat with dirtiness in mind. I no longer carry an innocent conversation because my body has built-in politics the minute I turn 35.

Really amazed at what my mind and body can do for me. Honestly, I feel proud of my abilities.

So many times I've touched the dirty floor with my bare hands, because, seriously, how dirty can the floor be? 

I now identify as Singapore's prettiest piano teacher, politically. HAHAHAA, just realised that I am a HUGE JOKER.

Well well well, till next time. Who knows, too many dirty things happening around me. May I come back to this blog for comfort soon....very soon. Really missing...my friends. BUT, I don't know who they are. Life is turning...sad for me. However, I am not only, not crying. I. am. enjoying. my. life! Who the hell am I.