Law

I feel that I completely overshared on my last post regarding my Buddhism ideas. F.M.L. I think Buddha is going to be SOOO angry at me because Buddha HATES oversharing....SHIT. Buddha is probably going to punish me already...

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Yesterday was the biggest day of my life. I went to the State Courts at Havelock as the Claimant for a Consultation. I cannot elaborate because I don't want to jinx anything. And Buddha probably also doesn't want me to share anything because Buddhism is EXTREMELY introspective, again FML. Yesterday was the 2nd time I had to put my hands on Singapore's Law, seriously. Growing up in Singapore as the elder child of immigrant China parents, I always have two sides of me - rojak Singaporean & extremely China-ish Chee-na girl. I am not at all ashamed of my China roots because I truly know how BIGGGGGGG China is and no economy can compete with China. This point alone. China. win. liao. The rest of us...feel free to say good night and good bye.

The law thingyyy went ok. It was just a Consultation, there shall be another Hearing but before that, there is apparently a pre-Hearing. The "judge"... well, I don't know if that same "judge" will continue the case, but apparently yes - because she keeps on emphasizing how busy she is going to be...

This law thingyy I'm working on with the Singapore Courts has to do with a major music company in Singapore and its beef with me. I am not letting this go. My anger is my biggest motivator in life. I have never felt more motivated about anything. Not even my FRSM. Not even money. Not even marrying rich.

I feel like I'm all alone to deal with my law case. Thank god my MP gave me an excellent referral. I feel that so far, Singapore truly has an excellent law system. Even though there are SO MANY sub-units here and there and Singapore's efficiency is NOT AS AWESOME as marketed, I can tell that people really want to help, but lack the specific knowledge of the very niche area I need help on.

SIGHS this blog so far also a bit no use already. I CANNOT HEAR my thoughts in solely English. I do a mix....English and Mandarin. Sighs.... I am not feeling anything tonight. Suddenly, I miss my SMU piano friend...she was from a family of lawyers and accountants. I feel like, at this point, she will understand me most...YET I GAVE UP THAT FRIENDSHIP BECAUSE I THOUGHT I WAS BETTER THAN HER FUCK MY EGO!!!!!! Buddha feel free to punish me...

Just a Buddha girl...

One admirable thing I genuinely admire about myself - is truly the level of self-reflection I do, for myself obviously, on a daily basis. My religion has always been Buddhism - and I am a Buddha girl through and through. My Buddhism studies guided me in two manners - 慈悲心 & 智慧. There shall be no English translation even though I am able to translate these two Mandarin characters for you. But I will not. Simply because translation shall result in the loss of the original flavour of those two Mandarin characters.

Anyway - after years of self-reflection. I have decided that my 慈心 will not be applied on humans, not even the elderly, handicapped, or the needy. Because I truly believe in Buddha's fairness in the grand scheme of life. Perhaps you did something destructive in your childhood, thus you would need to pay for it in your adulthood or golden years? HOWEVER, I will always have 慈心 for animals, simply because they are just animals, and I really have love for them. Dear Buddha, if you are reading my blog, hope you can spare some kindness for animals.

The 2nd manner towards the world of Buddhism is via 智慧. I feel that I have, but I also know that I will never achieve it fully. My brain will never reach Masters or Phd that kind of level. I am no Minister level and I don't care. Because that is never my route! But just these three weeks, I feel like I can serve? I also don't know who or what I am destined to serve...maybe serve water?

HAHAHAHAHA wasted I didn't become a comedian HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

The final point that is crucial in my Buddhism journey is the "悲" in 慈悲心. According to Buddha, extreme happiness and the outward kind of excitement is highly discouraged. I completely feel this but I still believe I am secretly an extrovert. Even though I know that my personal battery charges to the brim when I'm alone... I still feel... I just know I am not an introvert. Otherwise why would I find the need to blog my feelings out?

Hang on. I am not explaining Buddhism well to all of you. Not that I am speaking to you though... but... UGRR my explanation sucks!

SHIT AM I SCHIZOPHRENIC? Actually, am I just mentally ill or am I just a sucky bitch. I guess the real question is how come I can feel the Buddhism in me ah? How come ah?

This post is such a me post. I am so glad I know who I am... eh, but I don't want to be a nun hor, I want my hair....

I guess this blog is my safe space now? Everytime I wanna vent, I'm going to end up here?

Today is my mysterious day. I AM OVERSTIMULATED A F and perhaps it is due to two cups of.... I feel ashamed to admit, TEA? fml.

Anyway, ladies & gentlemen another fml - I think I over-estimated my friendships ~ typical characteristic of a China-born autistic female. The amount of times my friends treated me as a business vs the amount of times I was truly .... "feeling the friendship"... ? I AM EMBARRASED AS FUCK. Especially the Singaporeans! I swear they treat everything and everyone like a company or a science question. As of today, I commit to Buddha - absolutely no more jokes on myself. Absolutely! I . will . shut . my . mouth .

Regarding my last post about my mental illness - oh well, to add salt to my already wounded mind - I largely think my overstimulation only occurs on days I take in caffeine. The annoying thing is it takes TWO & A HALF WHOLE DAYS for me to get rid of my overstimulation. I swear my parents didn't send me to any overstimulated Montessori nursery/kindergarten & I never studied overseas. I haven't even been to USA or UK. No reason for my heartburn! Probably just the caffeine.

Just this afternoon I was feeling so angry & revengeful about ... no details here, three matters - I told myself, 10 years. Even if I take 10 years to make the revenge (singlish again lol), it is not too late for me. Anger motivates the shit out of me. I promise myself, the day will come. Obviously I can hopefully forgive, but still... when I am angry, let me shake it to the max. I hardly feel angry anyway. I feel overstimulated. But overstimulation is not anger.

Horse year is already in June - according to Feng Shui, it is the most heated month. Not about Singapore's sun though. It is the fact that June to Sep are the months where the strongest Horses are born. According to chinese beliefs, horses born in those months are very wealthy, successful & will enjoy endless sparks in their lives. Yours truly here is born in December. I have accepted my fate. I am still hibernating. And may never wake up HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Lastly, well - just donated some small amount to my area's MP & my darling animals' associations!!! Wish them all the best. If life is tough, HAHAHAAHA if I can make jokes despite being mentally ill, well I guess... I still believe... life is fun!