I am Mentally Ill. Self-diagnosed though.

Today is such a sad day for me. I feel so defeated. Nothing is going my way. I did a complete meltdown and it's already the 2nd day of my period!

I really think I am mentally ill. I feel that my mental illness - if any - is actually very very very serious. I also sense that my mental illness escalated in recent months. Is there any free or cheap mental health specialist I can see in Singapore? I googled and apparently it shall be a minimum of SG $200/h?! Years ago, a student's parent told me she liked me so much she was willing to offer free therapy sessions for me. Just last year, a parent working in IMH told me she knew I was mentally ill, from the way I whatsapp her. Even looking at my own reflection, I look so..... mentally ill lol. Really fml.

My M always knew I was mentally ill ever since I entered JC. My M's side has a long history of mental illness & one distant relative of mine even entered China's version of IMH. He had to be tied up at all times & my other relatives had to visit him & pay for his...everything.

Last Sunday, I cancelled classes because the meltdown was so serious I even had heartburn. I swear to all Gods, I did my Yoga, my dancing, my piano, my everything - why??

Now I really understand why Kate Spate, Goo Hara, Selena Gomez & so many successful individuals take their own lives because mental illness could really drain you. I wanted to be rich, pretty & healthy all my life. I focused on my physical health & looks so much that.... I didn't know I could fall victim to mental health. And, I didn't know I am already so serious. I don't think I could ever recover. Except. Through. Music. I just know, I already know only Music & Buddha can help me. I Just Know. Maybe blogging too. :)

Yet, I feel calm, hopeful & I am motivated, weirdly? When I have people doubt me, strangely it triggers my motivation! I feel VERY MOTIVATED and I don't know why? I don't know how to say, but I just know how I feel.

Great. Now everyone reading my blog knows of my mental problem. I AM NOT ASHAMED. In fact, I just know I will make it, despite my mental problems. Because, my mental problems will help me through life. Without it, probably I will be....not me.

This blog post took me SOOO long....#imh send help soon..

And it shall be June 2026 in a few hours. Kinda still feeling overstimulated in this modern AI world as usual, but I could really feel my confidence & steadiness flowing into my body. The first few months of every Lunar New Year, especially this Horsie year, feels panicky & way too quick for me. However, I always feel that my emotions begin to settle into myself when June arrives. Maybe it's because I used to have so many friends with birthdays in June? Or maybe as a Buddhist, I can finally collect my thoughts after Vesak Day? HAHAHAHAHAH I AM SO LAME.

Looking forward, I have a longgg way to go. At least 2 cases that may include POLICE & LAW F.M.L. Before Vesak Day, I was major panicking. My stupid Barbie brain may never grasp anything to do with LAW but with the help of some Aunties HAHAHAHAHAHA, I feel.... can la can la.

A few things I just can't let go. I JUST CAN'T. The Buddhism in me needs to be activated. My own angst is killing myself. But life is so weird, I know I can let go. But...I don't know if letting go is the right choice. Sometimes, being a crazy stubborn freak seems okay to me.

GUYS I AM STILL FEELING VERY WEIRD LIVING IN A CONDO! I want my HDB flat back..... On a brighter side, I lowkey suspect Condos have cleaner water, probably because of the weekly wash of swimming pools? My acne slowly cleared & my skin, despite some darkening due to the sun, looks very beautiful. I.think.I.love.condos.

Yesterday, I was just revising my FRSM pieces and OOPS I completely forgot how brilliant I was in my mid-end 20s. I had this fiery technique for my Beethoven piece but I never learnt refinement until...just weeks before my FR exam. I am really glad my M forced me to do FRSM because that is my strongest memory in my life. You can take anything away from me LET ME KEEP MY FUCKING FRSM CERTIFICATE I exchanged my LIFE for that piece of paper. YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT FRSM!!!

Sighs - off to dance to some pop music now....I need all genres of music for myself.

A very overstimulated week...

Life has just been disgusting & sickening... I filed a police report due to Theft of Cash in my own condo & I am lowkey getting ick vibes eww... I swear I am going to stomp into HQ to report my immediate manager this coming week but I am prioritising my facials & massages because I truly want to maintain my beautiful face & body until the day I die.

Nothing much to update - just discovered that I have zero woman hormones in me. Literally, zero. God forbid I don't feel the motherly instinct for kids & I suspect I've never loved kids. Probably I was always an adult trapped in the body of a kid while I was young? Never took a interest in anything childish. Yet, I love to drink, party & have fun!

Politically, I am following Xi JP & Donald Trump's meetup in Beijing! I am the perfect example of a person born in China, raised at home with traditional China values, educated in school with a mix of Asian/British knowledge & partied to all of USA's songs! If I ever get to leave Singapore, I would want to stay in a small town in USA? Don't wanna die though....

I feel like some traitor when I say I kinda like Donald Trump? He has this Big Daddy kind of vibes & I DIED HHAHAHAHAHA shaking with laughter every time T makes a media appearance or speech HAHAHAHAHA he made my day!!

Missing my old-time friends...but no la, not going to catch up liao. Gonna grow up, move on & look forward.