Someone asked me where I'm from. I said I'm from China. Actually, I wonder, why didn't I say Singapore, or at least - China & Singapore.

I think, it is because I am actually ashamed of my own country. Then again, suddenly in this sentence, my own country becomes Singapore, instead of China.

I truly think I am an ass. I code switch like some traitor. Whomever called me an ass in my early adult years, I forgot who you are, but you may be right.

HAHAHAHAHAHHAA I blog funnyy...

But, actually, it is not funny at all. Nothing is ever funny and nothing is funny anymore.

I feel like I don't respect myself as a Singaporean, because instead of respect, I actually feel a lot of shame. Not even a little shame. A lot, actually. When I walk along the streets of Singapore, I am constantly trying to fake smile, shake ass, or listen to music, because deep inside, I am not happy.

Either I look down on myself as a Singaporean, or, I look down on Singapore. Either or - both are terrible. I know it. But, I don't want to do anything about it. To put it simply for myself, since this is my blog, I don't want to learn to feel anything new as a Singaporean. And. I don't know why.

But it is weird, I felt something - but I don't know what it is - when I spoke to my MP in Sengkang. I think, I felt...a sense of community? The feeling is definitely NOT FRIENDSHIP. Probably, as I said, community bonding?

With my darling Singaporean friends, I felt friendship, warmth (questionable and debatable but not for today), & a sparkle of...sincerity? Then again, I suspect Singaporeans never understood sincerity. Not that I ever had any sincerity values too...maybe I have... who knows.

My millennial friend introduced a word for my feelings - "suss". He had a Gen Z daughter and anything that felt off, shall be "suss". HAHAHAHAHA.

So, am I a banana? Or am I a plate of ju chong feng? HAHAHAHAHA I REALLY DO BLOG FUNNY KUDOS TO MYSELF I MAKE MYSELF LAUGH....

Till then nanas...

P.S. Very Proud of myself for being to specifically state my feelings at every point in my life, good or bad. DAMN FUCKING PROUD.

A very commercialised me...

Occasionally, I wonder if I got commercialised way too soon. Therefore, am I experiencing the "aftershocks" of self-sabotaged commercialisation right now? Of course, being a "mini" piano prodigy already made me give up many demonic childhood luxuries and entering SMU......hahahaha, it is the epitome of commercialisation, fuck myself!!!

Right now, it is so weird when I look at myself through the lens of.....well, myself - obviously. I am a commercialised woman, ready to give & take on any form of relationship - whether business or casual. And, I guess, I think I am actually an Artist.

I fall in love fast, but I also fall out of love even faster. Again, fml.

Regarding the Artist point, I never realised that I am actually one. I always felt autistic, but still, it is self-diagnosed, and could be self-sabotage. I don't know! I don't have doctors as parents!

I am the biggest floater in the world. I jump from places to places, engaging in various pursuit of my own happiness. My emotional rides - absolutely crazy. But, I know I don't have ADHD. Because, I can stop my brain from thinking. And I absolutely love zoning out. I hate thinking. That is why I cannot do Science, because Science needs so much intense reasoning I would rather drownnnnn.....

Being commercialised is not a bad thing, at least in my opinion - rather early, than late - is my viewpoint on this matter. Of course, I wish I stayed as uncommercialised till as late as possible, but no one can control my encounters.

I think I shall cut this post, and that is all for tonight.

I FEEL SO WEIRD. I THINK IN MANDARIN BUT I VERBALISE/TYPE IN ENGLISH FUCK MY LIFE IS THIS WHAT A TRUE BILINGUALIST REALLY DOESSSSSS

This is a very tiring life that I am living in. There are too many ups & downs. I don't wanna chase anything, I just want peace & quiet! Give me any food fuel - even mantou - and I can survive the day.

Instead, I am made to believe that I will be happy living in the best (?) country in the world, making my day hustling and bustling like an idiot, almost being a people-pleaser to....everyone? Really, do I want to be all that?

As my friends climb higher and higher in their lives, achieving Masters/PHD in more than one discipline, migrating from one top-tier country to the next, and then, I reflect where I am in life. Honestly, do I want to do the endless comparison between myself and my friends? I already migrated from China to Singapore, I . am . overseas . already! Stop . bothering . meeee

I know you may be so clever, so atas, so well-educated. But where I'm from, Guangzhou/Shenzhen/DaPu, I honestly already had everything I ever wanted. I had nature, I had culture (Cantonese/Hakka), I had years of ancient Eastern knowledge. What more do I need?

Recalling my primary school days will always be scary to me - scoring a mere 38 for my first Science test already put me in a disadvantage because apparently everyone says Science is a big thing. Which I agree. Basically, everything is Science... but yawns...

What is with me today? I thought my emotional regulation is going well? Probably too well. Every emotion is triggered, and then it is regulated? Is there anymore steps? Emotional....aggravation?

These few weeks, I stopped thinking so much of myself, my family, my likes/dislikes..basically I stopped thinking of many things I used to find important. Instead, I thought of my friends, and nature. WHAT????!!!! Am I transcending.