A very commercialised me...

Occasionally, I wonder if I got commercialised way too soon. Therefore, am I experiencing the "aftershocks" of self-sabotaged commercialisation right now? Of course, being a "mini" piano prodigy already made me give up many demonic childhood luxuries and entering SMU......hahahaha, it is the epitome of commercialisation, fuck myself!!!

Right now, it is so weird when I look at myself through the lens of.....well, myself - obviously. I am a commercialised woman, ready to give & take on any form of relationship - whether business or casual. And, I guess, I think I am actually an Artist.

I fall in love fast, but I also fall out of love even faster. Again, fml.

Regarding the Artist point, I never realised that I am actually one. I always felt autistic, but still, it is self-diagnosed, and could be self-sabotage. I don't know! I don't have doctors as parents!

I am the biggest floater in the world. I jump from places to places, engaging in various pursuit of my own happiness. My emotional rides - absolutely crazy. But, I know I don't have ADHD. Because, I can stop my brain from thinking. And I absolutely love zoning out. I hate thinking. That is why I cannot do Science, because Science needs so much intense reasoning I would rather drownnnnn.....

Being commercialised is not a bad thing, at least in my opinion - rather early, than late - is my viewpoint on this matter. Of course, I wish I stayed as uncommercialised till as late as possible, but no one can control my encounters.

I think I shall cut this post, and that is all for tonight.

I FEEL SO WEIRD. I THINK IN MANDARIN BUT I VERBALISE/TYPE IN ENGLISH FUCK MY LIFE IS THIS WHAT A TRUE BILINGUALIST REALLY DOESSSSSS

This is a very tiring life that I am living in. There are too many ups & downs. I don't wanna chase anything, I just want peace & quiet! Give me any food fuel - even mantou - and I can survive the day.

Instead, I am made to believe that I will be happy living in the best (?) country in the world, making my day hustling and bustling like an idiot, almost being a people-pleaser to....everyone? Really, do I want to be all that?

As my friends climb higher and higher in their lives, achieving Masters/PHD in more than one discipline, migrating from one top-tier country to the next, and then, I reflect where I am in life. Honestly, do I want to do the endless comparison between myself and my friends? I already migrated from China to Singapore, I . am . overseas . already! Stop . bothering . meeee

I know you may be so clever, so atas, so well-educated. But where I'm from, Guangzhou/Shenzhen/DaPu, I honestly already had everything I ever wanted. I had nature, I had culture (Cantonese/Hakka), I had years of ancient Eastern knowledge. What more do I need?

Recalling my primary school days will always be scary to me - scoring a mere 38 for my first Science test already put me in a disadvantage because apparently everyone says Science is a big thing. Which I agree. Basically, everything is Science... but yawns...

What is with me today? I thought my emotional regulation is going well? Probably too well. Every emotion is triggered, and then it is regulated? Is there anymore steps? Emotional....aggravation?

These few weeks, I stopped thinking so much of myself, my family, my likes/dislikes..basically I stopped thinking of many things I used to find important. Instead, I thought of my friends, and nature. WHAT????!!!! Am I transcending.

I am not done yet from my last post. This blog is never dying - I have many things to spill. This is not near the end. RAWWWHHHH killing you all...

You know the feeling of being irritated when your instructions are not followed? I think this is getting very serious for me, I lowkey suspect I am some dictator's ancestor and I feel...worried? Like why am I so emotional and worked up every time there is a smallll disagreement. I mean, am I not westernised? I have to put down my ego. I kept telling my students to come to class with their emotions emptied every week, and here I am - irritated at them? Such shame for myself...

Mother Nature seems to do the trick for me. Beaches, especially. I hope I get to stay near the beach if I ever move house the third time. Buddha bless me, my second house shift already traumatized me so much. I need another 10 years to overcome my traumas HAHAHAHAHA...nothing beats a little drama HAHAHAHAHHA!!!

If there's something new I discover about myself. I think I finally know how to describe myself using words, instead of just feeling myself. I am fun-loving, emotional but highly regulated, and such a purist. I am everywhere and everything, but mostly I am in search of fun activities. I think I became so emotional in recent years, completely losing my cool and maturity FML I don't know what happened. But regarding regulation, I think I really nailed it. As in - emotional regulation. I know exactly when I go overboard, what to do with different levels of emotions, and when to just let it go. As for my purist-mindset, I guess I am just a China bitch. I am born and made in communism. I cannot tolerate the slight difference in thinking especially when .... HELP ME.

Even when I'm typing this, my com kept switching back to Mandarin automatically HAHAHAHAHA it's really quite funny...

But, it doesn't feel funny. As in, it is funny. But I don't feel funny. I feel...serious actually. I don't know how to say. But I just feel life got so serious....that I lost my drive and motivation to succeed. I think I am disappointed in myself. But I am only disappointed in myself, if I am still the same person 20 years ago. But the context is, I am not!

So, I also don't know la.... let it be la.. I need to pee now.