Just a Buddha girl...

One admirable thing I genuinely admire about myself - is truly the level of self-reflection I do, for myself obviously, on a daily basis. My religion has always been Buddhism - and I am a Buddha girl through and through. My Buddhism studies guided me in two manners - 慈悲心 & 智慧. There shall be no English translation even though I am able to translate these two Mandarin characters for you. But I will not. Simply because translation shall result in the loss of the original flavour of those two Mandarin characters.

Anyway - after years of self-reflection. I have decided that my 慈心 will not be applied on humans, not even the elderly, handicapped, or the needy. Because I truly believe in Buddha's fairness in the grand scheme of life. Perhaps you did something destructive in your childhood, thus you would need to pay for it in your adulthood or golden years? HOWEVER, I will always have 慈心 for animals, simply because they are just animals, and I really have love for them. Dear Buddha, if you are reading my blog, hope you can spare some kindness for animals.

The 2nd manner towards the world of Buddhism is via 智慧. I feel that I have, but I also know that I will never achieve it fully. My brain will never reach Masters or Phd that kind of level. I am no Minister level and I don't care. Because that is never my route! But just these three weeks, I feel like I can serve? I also don't know who or what I am destined to serve...maybe serve water?

HAHAHAHAHA wasted I didn't become a comedian HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

The final point that is crucial in my Buddhism journey is the "悲" in 慈悲心. According to Buddha, extreme happiness and the outward kind of excitement is highly discouraged. I completely feel this but I still believe I am secretly an extrovert. Even though I know that my personal battery charges to the brim when I'm alone... I still feel... I just know I am not an introvert. Otherwise why would I find the need to blog my feelings out?

Hang on. I am not explaining Buddhism well to all of you. Not that I am speaking to you though... but... UGRR my explanation sucks!

SHIT AM I SCHIZOPHRENIC? Actually, am I just mentally ill or am I just a sucky bitch. I guess the real question is how come I can feel the Buddhism in me ah? How come ah?

This post is such a me post. I am so glad I know who I am... eh, but I don't want to be a nun hor, I want my hair....

I guess this blog is my safe space now? Everytime I wanna vent, I'm going to end up here?

Today is my mysterious day. I AM OVERSTIMULATED A F and perhaps it is due to two cups of.... I feel ashamed to admit, TEA? fml.

Anyway, ladies & gentlemen another fml - I think I over-estimated my friendships ~ typical characteristic of a China-born autistic female. The amount of times my friends treated me as a business vs the amount of times I was truly .... "feeling the friendship"... ? I AM EMBARRASED AS FUCK. Especially the Singaporeans! I swear they treat everything and everyone like a company or a science question. As of today, I commit to Buddha - absolutely no more jokes on myself. Absolutely! I . will . shut . my . mouth .

Regarding my last post about my mental illness - oh well, to add salt to my already wounded mind - I largely think my overstimulation only occurs on days I take in caffeine. The annoying thing is it takes TWO & A HALF WHOLE DAYS for me to get rid of my overstimulation. I swear my parents didn't send me to any overstimulated Montessori nursery/kindergarten & I never studied overseas. I haven't even been to USA or UK. No reason for my heartburn! Probably just the caffeine.

Just this afternoon I was feeling so angry & revengeful about ... no details here, three matters - I told myself, 10 years. Even if I take 10 years to make the revenge (singlish again lol), it is not too late for me. Anger motivates the shit out of me. I promise myself, the day will come. Obviously I can hopefully forgive, but still... when I am angry, let me shake it to the max. I hardly feel angry anyway. I feel overstimulated. But overstimulation is not anger.

Horse year is already in June - according to Feng Shui, it is the most heated month. Not about Singapore's sun though. It is the fact that June to Sep are the months where the strongest Horses are born. According to chinese beliefs, horses born in those months are very wealthy, successful & will enjoy endless sparks in their lives. Yours truly here is born in December. I have accepted my fate. I am still hibernating. And may never wake up HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Lastly, well - just donated some small amount to my area's MP & my darling animals' associations!!! Wish them all the best. If life is tough, HAHAHAAHA if I can make jokes despite being mentally ill, well I guess... I still believe... life is fun!

I am Mentally Ill. Self-diagnosed though.

Today is such a sad day for me. I feel so defeated. Nothing is going my way. I did a complete meltdown and it's already the 2nd day of my period!

I really think I am mentally ill. I feel that my mental illness - if any - is actually very very very serious. I also sense that my mental illness escalated in recent months. Is there any free or cheap mental health specialist I can see in Singapore? I googled and apparently it shall be a minimum of SG $200/h?! Years ago, a student's parent told me she liked me so much she was willing to offer free therapy sessions for me. Just last year, a parent working in IMH told me she knew I was mentally ill, from the way I whatsapp her. Even looking at my own reflection, I look so..... mentally ill lol. Really fml.

My M always knew I was mentally ill ever since I entered JC. My M's side has a long history of mental illness & one distant relative of mine even entered China's version of IMH. He had to be tied up at all times & my other relatives had to visit him & pay for his...everything.

Last Sunday, I cancelled classes because the meltdown was so serious I even had heartburn. I swear to all Gods, I did my Yoga, my dancing, my piano, my everything - why??

Now I really understand why Kate Spate, Goo Hara, Selena Gomez & so many successful individuals take their own lives because mental illness could really drain you. I wanted to be rich, pretty & healthy all my life. I focused on my physical health & looks so much that.... I didn't know I could fall victim to mental health. And, I didn't know I am already so serious. I don't think I could ever recover. Except. Through. Music. I just know, I already know only Music & Buddha can help me. I Just Know. Maybe blogging too. :)

Yet, I feel calm, hopeful & I am motivated, weirdly? When I have people doubt me, strangely it triggers my motivation! I feel VERY MOTIVATED and I don't know why? I don't know how to say, but I just know how I feel.

Great. Now everyone reading my blog knows of my mental problem. I AM NOT ASHAMED. In fact, I just know I will make it, despite my mental problems. Because, my mental problems will help me through life. Without it, probably I will be....not me.

This blog post took me SOOO long....#imh send help soon..