China

I traveled back to China as my grandma is very sick. Kinda serious. Cancer! All solids have to be made into porridge-like liquids now. Very sad because both my gf already died. Now it is gm's turn. Not to die of course, but to be burdened by illness? Life sucks man...

Life is so crazyyy in Singapore & I never felt truly happy anywhere, but I think - I found some closure in China. Not because China is filty rich, amazing & completely revolutionizing the world - I don't care how rich a country is! It is the setting for me...

I went back to Da Pu village, the houses are enormous & I lowkey suspect I am more suitable for the countryside life? I suit big houses, terrace houses with gardens, bungalows-kind of setting & my small city-Condo just won't do for me. I can't even breathe at home!!! Made 1 female village millennial friend & I think I felt comfortable? Happy to have 1 pathetic friend of similar cultural background but nah...she doesn't know English so most likely, no la.... I can't be speaking Mandarin ONLY all the time isn't it.

Visited my gf's tomb in Da Pu & truly valued the importance of a country's size. My ancestors have HUGE TOMBS LITERALLY 1 WHOLE MOUNTAIN FOR ONE CORPSE! Despite being uncomfortable in China's village, I finally see why my that 1 friend I made simply refused to even migrate to Shenzhen! It is the fucking space!!! It offers an entire different vision & mindset in life!!

Finally traveled to China after 8-ish years? Not China's GZ, BJ or SH. I only went to SZ & DP. It wasn't a comfortable trip. But at least, I know what I need is Space.

Physically. Mentally. Probably spiritually too.

.....

Actually, when I converse with people of my age in China, I truly am more mature than them, despite probably having less general knowledge. Happy that I am mature. Proud of myself.

And the reason I goddamn dare to be so confident about who I am - is not because I am good or no good. It is because I Truly Know Myself. At least, I Am Not Scared.

Take a kitkat assholez...

Kinda worried?

Gosh recently life has been absolutely crazy recently & I always feel like my heart may burn anytime in Singapore's fast-paced lifestyle. I just never felt truly happy unless I feel free & be myself. I just know I don't really enjoy time spent with family & I'm such an awkward bitch even with close friends. I cannot relate to the bestie concept & hardly feel...natural with people? Despite my piano teaching being a technical skill aka people job, I always feel...I mildly dislike my students????

For me, everytime I love someone, I just hate that someone also. Life is such an oxymoron for me. I guess I truly feel myself when I spend time with myself. My grandmother - whom I stopped being so closed to - may depart from life with cancer. Extremely surprising, I feel most for her and my darling pet cat!

The other day, I was just thinking about my piano music. And I truly love ballads, whether Western, Chinese or Japanese. Slow pieces - obviously not tooo slow though - bring out the sadness in my heart, but I just feel happier & free-er after every slow piece!

If there is one change in me - I guess it is reasonable to conclude that I stopped loving humans! Dear dear, I find many values truly silly for a longgg time. I feel this deep sense of connection with myself, animals & I just hope to relax, take care of my body, and - hope my grandma, animals & all of you reading this blog can be safe, happy & peace out!

Damn I am Soooo Overstimulated from today's crazzzyyy activities I swear I need to tone out...

Blog.It.OUT!

I always wish for a unique & appropriate outlet to channel my inner monster. Piano is nice, but piano music does more of healing & I don't want to turn my beautiful piano memories into some sort of monstrous hell. I respect the bloody piano & I leave a room in my heart for respect.

In my teenage years, I did long-distant running to gush out my monster, but now in my mid-30s, my knees sort of hurt & it is damn embarrassing to admit I can't really feel my lower-half? As in... I constantly feel numb... Bloody idiot, I should have gone for marathons when I was young & fit What Was I Doing?!!

Dance feels amazing on me & I've never felt gorgeous if not for dance but at the same time, dance also drains me so much I feel like I need to be some cool kid. Obviously, I am pretty cool. But the pressure to perform?! Even piano never made me felt pressurized simply because the piano tone is ever-beautiful.

I've been on this Blog since my pre-teen years! Before the entire social media blowup, I was already here using mountains of vulgarities, innocently of course, happily announcing to the whole world my daily amusement. I've deleted so many posts off this Blog that I wonder if I ever blogged. Actually, what made me delete my old posts? I don't judge my own horrendous past!

Feeling sad that I only treasure my Blog after so many years. Parallel to how I looked back & reconnected with some old friends/neighbors/students & instead of feeling happy, I feel awkward??!! I'm such a weird bitch I swear I have always been autistic but never diagnosed.

Whatever monster in me - let me blog it out. I don't need to be married I swear I hate all men. I don't need to be rich I truly have passions. I don't need to be so pretty I think I'm mild gorgeous already? Just allow me to Blog My Heart Out. My language may ruin your soul. My stories may make you lose respect for me. My thoughts may be extremely offensive.

And this is why I need to blog. I have this blog. I must must must blog.

Friends, join me here?