Another Overstimulated Day?

I lowkey suspect I am a communist. Love, Hate - & absolutely nothing in between. I simply couldn't bring myself to understand mixed feelings because I guess emotionally, I just cannot develop?

All my life I just hate all men, I find them gross & .. I don't know.. I feel like men make me ugly but I don't know why even till today? The 'yang' in them maybe? Hormones? Tone?

I grew up in an almost all-girls environment & loved every moment, completely thrived! Deep friendships, lovely conversations & so much letting in/out for my heart BUT recently I feel slightly... not myself anymore?

Going through a seriously weird transition in my life - I cannot explain myself. Felt SO STIMULATED on certain days yet I could fly on other days? Perhaps it is truly a smartphone problem. My brain stopped functioning in a manner that benefits me anymore. I feel short-circuited, loss of flow & very.very.stimulated for no reason!!

At least - Everyday when I pray to Buddha, I wish for health & peace for the world, especially animals.

I wonder how all of you are doing? May that spark always live in you. If you ever meet a sick or stray animal in need, do drop me a text at +65 93383729. I may not contribute in terms of time or effort, but at least a humble sum of money can be transferred to you.

Peace out assholes ---

China

I traveled back to China as my grandma is very sick. Kinda serious. Cancer! All solids have to be made into porridge-like liquids now. Very sad because both my gf already died. Now it is gm's turn. Not to die of course, but to be burdened by illness? Life sucks man...

Life is so crazyyy in Singapore & I never felt truly happy anywhere, but I think - I found some closure in China. Not because China is filty rich, amazing & completely revolutionizing the world - I don't care how rich a country is! It is the setting for me...

I went back to Da Pu village, the houses are enormous & I lowkey suspect I am more suitable for the countryside life? I suit big houses, terrace houses with gardens, bungalows-kind of setting & my small city-Condo just won't do for me. I can't even breathe at home!!! Made 1 female village millennial friend & I think I felt comfortable? Happy to have 1 pathetic friend of similar cultural background but nah...she doesn't know English so most likely, no la.... I can't be speaking Mandarin ONLY all the time isn't it.

Visited my gf's tomb in Da Pu & truly valued the importance of a country's size. My ancestors have HUGE TOMBS LITERALLY 1 WHOLE MOUNTAIN FOR ONE CORPSE! Despite being uncomfortable in China's village, I finally see why my that 1 friend I made simply refused to even migrate to Shenzhen! It is the fucking space!!! It offers an entire different vision & mindset in life!!

Finally traveled to China after 8-ish years? Not China's GZ, BJ or SH. I only went to SZ & DP. It wasn't a comfortable trip. But at least, I know what I need is Space.

Physically. Mentally. Probably spiritually too.

.....

Actually, when I converse with people of my age in China, I truly am more mature than them, despite probably having less general knowledge. Happy that I am mature. Proud of myself.

And the reason I goddamn dare to be so confident about who I am - is not because I am good or no good. It is because I Truly Know Myself. At least, I Am Not Scared.

Take a kitkat assholez...

Kinda worried?

Gosh recently life has been absolutely crazy recently & I always feel like my heart may burn anytime in Singapore's fast-paced lifestyle. I just never felt truly happy unless I feel free & be myself. I just know I don't really enjoy time spent with family & I'm such an awkward bitch even with close friends. I cannot relate to the bestie concept & hardly feel...natural with people? Despite my piano teaching being a technical skill aka people job, I always feel...I mildly dislike my students????

For me, everytime I love someone, I just hate that someone also. Life is such an oxymoron for me. I guess I truly feel myself when I spend time with myself. My grandmother - whom I stopped being so closed to - may depart from life with cancer. Extremely surprising, I feel most for her and my darling pet cat!

The other day, I was just thinking about my piano music. And I truly love ballads, whether Western, Chinese or Japanese. Slow pieces - obviously not tooo slow though - bring out the sadness in my heart, but I just feel happier & free-er after every slow piece!

If there is one change in me - I guess it is reasonable to conclude that I stopped loving humans! Dear dear, I find many values truly silly for a longgg time. I feel this deep sense of connection with myself, animals & I just hope to relax, take care of my body, and - hope my grandma, animals & all of you reading this blog can be safe, happy & peace out!

Damn I am Soooo Overstimulated from today's crazzzyyy activities I swear I need to tone out...