I am not done yet from my last post. This blog is never dying - I have many things to spill. This is not near the end. RAWWWHHHH killing you all...

You know the feeling of being irritated when your instructions are not followed? I think this is getting very serious for me, I lowkey suspect I am some dictator's ancestor and I feel...worried? Like why am I so emotional and worked up every time there is a smallll disagreement. I mean, am I not westernised? I have to put down my ego. I kept telling my students to come to class with their emotions emptied every week, and here I am - irritated at them? Such shame for myself...

Mother Nature seems to do the trick for me. Beaches, especially. I hope I get to stay near the beach if I ever move house the third time. Buddha bless me, my second house shift already traumatized me so much. I need another 10 years to overcome my traumas HAHAHAHAHA...nothing beats a little drama HAHAHAHAHHA!!!

If there's something new I discover about myself. I think I finally know how to describe myself using words, instead of just feeling myself. I am fun-loving, emotional but highly regulated, and such a purist. I am everywhere and everything, but mostly I am in search of fun activities. I think I became so emotional in recent years, completely losing my cool and maturity FML I don't know what happened. But regarding regulation, I think I really nailed it. As in - emotional regulation. I know exactly when I go overboard, what to do with different levels of emotions, and when to just let it go. As for my purist-mindset, I guess I am just a China bitch. I am born and made in communism. I cannot tolerate the slight difference in thinking especially when .... HELP ME.

Even when I'm typing this, my com kept switching back to Mandarin automatically HAHAHAHAHA it's really quite funny...

But, it doesn't feel funny. As in, it is funny. But I don't feel funny. I feel...serious actually. I don't know how to say. But I just feel life got so serious....that I lost my drive and motivation to succeed. I think I am disappointed in myself. But I am only disappointed in myself, if I am still the same person 20 years ago. But the context is, I am not!

So, I also don't know la.... let it be la.. I need to pee now.

Transiting into a Condo

Eww there are actually people reading my stupid blog??? Girls, come on, you are the catch!

I moved from a HDB to a Condo two years ago, and I am still in my transitional phrase. Still on a struggle bus every day. Previously, I stayed in two HDBs for various periods of my life. The first was a 3-room flat in Toa Payoh Lor 5. I LOVED my entire Primary School years in that HDB. My neighbors were crazy and I actually had a best friend called Tiffany! Shout out to Tiffany. I guess the strongest memory was on the last day, she hugged me, told me she will miss me, and my autistic China mouth said nothing. F.M.L.

The second HDB was HUGE, in Sengkang, and I stayed in Sengkang ever since. Everything happened in that HDB, the good, the bad, the nasty. All my ridiculous Sec, JC, Uni & working memories were solidified within Sengkang.

My new Condo is still in Sengkang, just a 10-minutes walk away from my old HDB. Something is very off people, very off, living in a Condo. It's like you are not in a Bungalow, and you are also not in a HDB, but you are in a Condo. The vibes are freaky as hell! There is a strong shared community, but the area feels excluded from the real world. What the f??!! I cannot understand it! I'll rather save for something else.

That being said, the ATAS feeling IS REAL. What do you mean I live beside a pool? I use the sauna every day. The lights look like chandelier. The carpark? Somehow it feels like I am coming back to a "old-money home" but this home is not mine, it is my parents'. The entire setting is supposed to be very Spanish-ish, before entering home, there is an entire walkway... I call it the "show-off walk". It makes me feel, like I am questioning myself everyday WHYYYYY

The worst part is, this Condo makes me feel like I am entering a Shopping Mall, but I have no money to shop. That is still ok to me. I don't care too much about shopping nowadays yet I still light up when I buy new clothes. Trust me girl, I am lowball af. Anyway, this Condo gives me so much anxiety especially the GUARDS why are they walking around and why are they ALWAYS APPEARING???!!!! What is happening! Condo residents - why you steal my money and why police say they cannot see the thief from the CCTV???? I swear I became EVEN MORE AUTISTIC in this Condo!!!!

In short, it feels like I went into a VERY WEIRD SHOPPING MALL but instead of shopping, that is where I sleep, shit, bath and interact. I step into the lift, it looks like it should transport me to Chanel, but instead, I am going home. EXTREMELY DISGUSTED.

I wish my parents bought something else.

You know I blog about my feelings, not my life right.

Yo ladies and gentlemen what's up. This week has been okay and I just know I progressed but I don't know what HAHAHAHAHAHA...

My shoulder pain IS BACK for real no joke guys I have been carrying nonsense on my shoulders, I need to let it go. Time to let it all go babies.

Basically, I've been very busy. But tragically, busy. for. nothing. HAHAHAHAHA....

On second thoughts, I high-key suspect the Covid jab - was it the p company again - completely altered my brain cells, gave me moderate autism & fml, did I turn out to have ADHD? Autism, I am sure. ADHD, I don't think I have it, because I can stop my thoughts. I just need a channel...

Teaching seems to really blossom - but only with my regulars FROM CHINA. WHY??? I thought I love my Singaporeans? Apparently.... my China students are my true-blue supporters? Something very nasty happened to me, actually many nasty things happened to me, and my entire perspective shifted. Damn, is it normal to throw everything away and start anew? Like, grief is progress, right?

Back to the point in teaching -> girls I am so excited to teach the new syllabus actually, it is so amazing I LOVE the slow pieces. Absolutely...juicy! In terms of the chords. The arrangement? I find the flow questionable. I prefer more flow. Or maybe it's because I can't flow HAHAHAHAA....

Lastly, I feel that I haven't figured out my love language yet. But it's definitely NOT FOOD. If ever you offered food, or cook for me, I will be like WTF? In fact, my hate-relationship with food is real. I feel like vomiting when I eat...anything! Not at the start though. When I'm 5 minutes into the meal, that's it, I am done. As done as a .. very tragic primary school kid with a very basic appetite. Sighs, I'm not going to waste my money ever on restaurants...except Cantonese food??

Alright, assholes, I'm done. I feel okay. I am okay. See you soon in the most okay environment everrrr

By the way, readers, hope you are ok too!!! Miss ya all to space and back. Wish I'm not the only one thinking the way I do, let's get freaky and sit in your feelings like me~~ ENJOY ASSHOLES