I am Mentally Ill. Self-diagnosed though.

Today is such a sad day for me. I feel so defeated. Nothing is going my way. I did a complete meltdown and it's already the 2nd day of my period!

I really think I am mentally ill. I feel that my mental illness - if any - is actually very very very serious. I also sense that my mental illness escalated in recent months. Is there any free or cheap mental health specialist I can see in Singapore? I googled and apparently it shall be a minimum of SG $200/h?! Years ago, a student's parent told me she liked me so much she was willing to offer free therapy sessions for me. Just last year, a parent working in IMH told me she knew I was mentally ill, from the way I whatsapp her. Even looking at my own reflection, I look so..... mentally ill lol. Really fml.

My M always knew I was mentally ill ever since I entered JC. My M's side has a long history of mental illness & one distant relative of mine even entered China's version of IMH. He had to be tied up at all times & my other relatives had to visit him & pay for his...everything.

Last Sunday, I cancelled classes because the meltdown was so serious I even had heartburn. I swear to all Gods, I did my Yoga, my dancing, my piano, my everything - why??

Now I really understand why Kate Spate, Goo Hara, Selena Gomez & so many successful individuals take their own lives because mental illness could really drain you. I wanted to be rich, pretty & healthy all my life. I focused on my physical health & looks so much that.... I didn't know I could fall victim to mental health. And, I didn't know I am already so serious. I don't think I could ever recover. Except. Through. Music. I just know, I already know only Music & Buddha can help me. I Just Know. Maybe blogging too. :)

Yet, I feel calm, hopeful & I am motivated, weirdly? When I have people doubt me, strangely it triggers my motivation! I feel VERY MOTIVATED and I don't know why? I don't know how to say, but I just know how I feel.

Great. Now everyone reading my blog knows of my mental problem. I AM NOT ASHAMED. In fact, I just know I will make it, despite my mental problems. Because, my mental problems will help me through life. Without it, probably I will be....not me.

This blog post took me SOOO long....#imh send help soon..